Last year I finally discovered just who the hell this Justin Bieber kid is. For those of you at home who did not hear last year’s installment, Justin Bieber is a 16-year-old pop sensation beloved by young girls across America; his music touches many a Tiger Beat reader’s soul, and will probably change the world somehow, like that book M. Night Shyamalan was writing in Lady in the Water. And as befits a sixteen-year-old who burst onto the scene late last year with hit singles and an inexplicable power to incite stampedes of preteens in shopping malls and deluges of missives on Twitter calling a girl nasty names for not liking his music, he is going to be the star of a 3-D film that tells his life story. All sixteen years of it. I’m going to be honest and say that I’m slightly perplexed as to why Justin Bieber is joining the ranks of Jackie Robinson, Rudy Reyes, and Audie Murphy as an actor in an autobiographical role. He’s certainly achieved considerably more than the average sixteen-year-old boy, but he isn’t a baseball player who broke down the color barrier despite enormous amounts of prejudice against him, a brave Marine whose hotness puts him on par with unicorns, or the most decorated soldier in World War II who played himself in the film of his life story because no one in Hollywood was badass enough to play him. He’s a pop star. That’s all well and good, but does he really need a movie just yet? Especially one in 3D?

That said, I completely understand the need to depict Justin Bieber’s life in three dimensions, especially in what I hope will be an awesome montage where Young Master Bieber finally perfects his trademark hairstyle to the strains of You’re the Best Around. Two dimensions cannot contain the monumentality of that moment.

But still, famous and powerful and iconic as Justin Bieber is, Ray Charles and Johnny Cash had to wait until they were almost dead to get Oscar-winning biopics. They started out young, for sure, but a film of someone’s life needs dramatic tension, the ups and downs that come with the passage of time and human and artistic maturation. Seeing as he’s only sixteen years old, Bieber hasn’t gotten the second part down quite yet. There just isn’t enough material for a movie, simply by virtue of the fact that he’s sixteen. If the film’s going to be all-encompassing and faithful to the life of this great Canadian, I’m not sure how much we can devote to his relatively recent infancy unless he performed miracles that I, a less-than-faithful fan of Biebus Christ Superstar, am unaware of. Especially miracles that can be depicted in three dimensions and in montage form. Perhaps then will Don’t Stop Beliebin’: The Justin Bieber Story in Eye-Popping, Mind-Blowing 3D can prove my doubts about the feasibility of a biopic of a sixteen-year-old pop star to be unfounded. Maybe this film will prove that Justin Bieber, teen sensation, CSI guest star, Messiah, and broseph of Usher, is here to stay and the world should watch its back and leave it to Bieber. Me? I’m still skeptical and saving that $13 for The Avengers.

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