With apologies to Michael Roth and co., here’s a good song to start off your college career.

Ah, starting off strong, as always.

Well, our good friends over at Wesleying have the whole dorm living and Wesleyan-isms posts covered, so we here at the Blargus figured that you might be interested in some other–random, as is our style–things that might be useful in your time here at Wesleyan.

So here’s our completely unnecessary list:

• If you’re in Fauver, get a TV: watch Jersey Shore. That’s more or less what Wesleyan is like.
• At the same time, don’t use the words “Grenade” or “Rhinoceros” in reference to men or women. Yikes.
• And you probably won’t meet many people who truly live GTL–they believe it, but they don’t live it. Hypocrites.
• In fact, Wesleyan has very little to do with Jersey Shore, except that we’re the Alma Mater of Jwoww.
• Well, that’s just not true, but our women are notorious brawlers.
• We’re more like Real Housewives of New Jersey, actually, speaking of reality TV.
• Except with more gay/bi/trans people.
• Basically, we’re Real World: New Orleans.
• [ADDENDUM: By now, you’ve probably already realized that I’m watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion while writing this, and that my favorite Jersey Shore character is Jwoww]
• To be honest, though, Wesleyan is more like a combination of many reality TV shows, plus an MGMT music video rolled into one.
• [OMG what’s a teleprompter doing in the background of this show? I fucking knew it was scripted.]

Please enjoy our content for the rest of the year–especially our fantastic weekly columnists…

• ANOTHER point to work in here: if you would like to work for us–write opinion pieces on the internet on whatever subject you want, please drop us an email. Our editors, Gabe (me), Ian and Dean would love to talk to you. Drop me a line at glezra(at)wesleyan(dot)edu.

So enjoy Freshman Days, or whatever they’re called now, and please: drink heavily, fight people, break stuff, and meet friends.

Sincerely,

Your Blargus Editors,

Gabe (Ian and Dean)

About Gabe Lezra

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. Ezekiel 25-17.