Who the Hell is Justin Bieber? A Pop Culture Vulture Investigative Report

, by Jocelyn Spencer, Pop Culture Vulture

If you’re an obsessive Twitter user like I am (follow me! @jocelynhope. I’m awesome.), you’re probably wondering who the hell this Justin Bieber kid is. From the scanty information I gathered before I decided to dive deeper down the rabbit hole of choirboys with unfortunate haircuts who sing about love and sex, I concluded that Justin Bieber is a 15-year-old white kid who was discovered on YouTube, and now hangs out with Ludacris. And he did that We Are the World cover. The one that didn’t have Stevie Wonder in it, and thus sucked. And he’s from Canada.

Curious as to why this whippersnapper consistently tops Twitter’s trending topics, I decided to watch a music video of his to better understand this teen sensation. Feeling adventurous, I chose to watch the video for “One Time”. It starts out with J-Beeb and his friend doing 15-year-old boy things, like playing video games, saying “skillz” with a z, and having iPhones that their parents bought them. Kids. Justin’s typical privileged childhood fun is interrupted by a call from R & B singer Usher. Turns out Justin, because he is ostensibly a celebrity, is crashing at Usher’s house. Or he’s housesitting for Usher. Now, why Usher, who is rich and famous and supposedly marginally intelligent, is entrusting his house to a 15-year-old YouTube sensation is beyond me. Because, like every high school sophomore left alone in a large house for more than five minutes, Justin immediately texts all his friends to tell them that there is a party at Usher’s house. Brilliant.

And here’s where the song begins. The song itself is really nothing special. A bit more Auto-Tune and it’s pretty much indistinguishable from any Akon or T-Pain song. It’s what I like to call Ringtone Rap. It’s the non-threatening, vaguely electronic crooned semi-rap you mainly hear in Forever 21 stores and blaring from the cellphones of preteen girls. The lyrics are like a Mad Libs of Ringtone Rap; they have phrases like “Imma” and talk about a vague sense of oneness with an anonymous “Girl”, who is addressed as “Girl”. I’m not entreating Justin to sing about the geopolitical situation in the Middle East or make subtle allusions to the works of Terrance Hawkes, but his lyrics leave much to be desired. Say what you will about Aaron Carter, but his songs had a touch of ingenuity in the subject matter; whereas Bieber prefers to stay in the safe zone of chaste white-boy love, Carter dared to tackle tougher issues, like his vivid dream-become-real in which he beats Shaquille O’Neal in a game of pickup basketball.

The video is as meh as his lyrics. As far as parties thrown by a teenager being left to his own devices go, it’s very tame. Attractive girls who look to range in age from 17 to 25 (ladies, statutory rape goes both ways, don’tcha know) dance in slow motion, and Justin Bieber sets his sights on a woman who looks at least 10 years his senior and kind of looks like Katie Holmes before she assumed her final form of Tom Cruise’s Personal Fembot. At the end, Usher returns to his home to find that Justin has thrown a non-threatening party full of non-threatening white people. If he were sensible at all, he would at the very least chew out this upstart child for throwing an unauthorized party in a home he did not own. Instead, Usher smiles bemusedly and joins the non-threatening revelry. One can only wonder what would happen if J-Beeb did the same thing at Suge Knight’s house.

In this video, we see the things that make up the appeal of Justin Bieber: he sings (or Auto-Croons) with an odd sincerity about a vaguely sexual relationship. He’s not going to make love to you like you want him to, but he’ll make out with you under the bleachers and maybe surreptitiously feel your boobs through your Jonas Brothers T-Shirt. But it’s OK because he’s got a promise ring. He wears a baggy hoodie over his baseball cap that covers his artfully layered, but not emo, hair and has a habit of flashing pseudo-gang signs. And he apparently parties at Usher’s house and hangs out with Ludacris. Justin Bieber’s success, I can say with confidence, partially stems from Americans’ undying amusement at small children and elderly women who act non-threateningly ghetto and say things that would get any pubescent male slammed with a sexual harassment lawsuit.

But in the end, what can I say about the enigmatic Justin Bieber? His lyrics are unimaginative, his fans are capable of stampeding, and his music videos are kind of boring. In a live performance I watched on YouTube, he surprisingly had a fairly decent voice absent Auto-Tune. He’s nowhere near as talented as many other R & B singers, but he wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought he’d be. At this I breathe a sigh of relief, because the Clinton Babies have had a track record of really liking completely tone-deaf people. Let’s hope Justin can maintain his success after puberty rears its ugly, awkward head (unlike Aaron Carter). Until then, all I can say is play that funky music, white boy.

320 Comments

  3. letsfaceitthekiddoessuck

    lets just face it the kid ‘is making crappy music there like almost no straight guys actually listening to this crap. only some horny girls at ages of 12/16.
    lets just wait till puberty comes knocking and this awfull taste of music is going out of the window.

  4. ria

    bieber will have trannsexual surgery in 2018 and become the next lady gaga after he/she matriculates at wesleyan

  6. An Observer

    I like to consider myself a man of reason, education, and compassion…amongst other things. However, upon reading the entire list of comments – which I truly rue doing – I am feeling none of these qualities, not a one.

    True enough, there was humour in multitudes but when the initial few laughs had died away; I found myself left with nothing but a terrible coldness and even a slight twinge of despair. It takes immense effort to remain ever in the perspective that stupidity exists to be laughed at. I suppose this is true to a point, but I believe it is a really rather dangerous precedent as well – a cumulative thing, certainly.

    Of course it is easy to be melodramatic concerning the common maxim: ‘These children don’t known how to work/are destroying society/will reap untold destruction on the future, et cetera’. But with many over-used statements, there is a grain of truth to be found. I cannot fathom what today’s children are not learning from their instructors and parents.

    Justin Bieber himself, fuck that issue. He is inconsequential, just like most of the automatons scurrying about in modernity’s lime-light. Anyone here over the ‘wise’ age of twenty can, hopefully, easily surmise his fate and those of us who’ve lived lives fuller, longer, and more thoughtful certainly know he won’t be sitting round the cameras much longer.

    The real problem is today’s youth. Can they form cogent sentences? Do they know what synonyms, antonyms, or basic punctuation are? Most importantly – have they the ability to think critically? Critical thought is tantamount to success and individuality. The dearth of critical thinking I see all round me quite possibly contributes to my eternal contempt for mankind. That’s what is truly mortifying – our children (well, your children…I won’t be having any in this world) are quite inept. Sure, they know how to rap and how to use profanities far more efficiently than those of us growing up fifteen, twenty, thirty, or more years ago did. They understand the physics of sex and are more experienced at such than we were, they also understand technology very well and make everything computer-related appear extremely simple. But what other qualities have they? Do they understand respect and honour, have they any appreciation for history, literature and language, can they stand out from a crowd and lead opposed to swallow blindly whatever it is that popular culture violent forces into their gullets? Can they take part in anything resembling intelligent discussion? What about social networking, sure tis a fine concept, but what has it done to communication? Thankfully, I am in possession of no social-networking profiles but I have been around enough to see the comments and statements made in these places. How proud the primordial man would have been to see their offspring speak with such elegance! For the rest of mankind, considering the millenia of refinement and education: it is worthy of nothing other than tears and brutal pity.

    Solution – abort children until age sixteen, if child reaches age sixteen they must be proven capable of reasonably-sufficient sentence structure, the ability to form basic paragraphs, and most importantly: they must have read at least a dozen books on classical literature by that point. How many of these little shitcocks have never actually read a book, a real book? Of that small fraction, how many have considered the book in detail afterward…perhaps writing their thoughts down or conversing with another?

    What is it like to live in such an utterly vapid microcosm of teenage idiocy, disrespect, semen, and horrendously mortifying grammar?

    I don’t consider myself ‘posh’ but I speak very precise SSBE (Southern Standard British English). I can only imagine listening to the guttural croaks that issue forth from these degenerates. Also, as a recently finished graduate student with degrees in both English Education and Psychology; I shiver to think what this up and coming lot will send to my desk. I think I shall need many many red-inked pens…if I elect to continue pursuing this course at all.

    Thank you children, because of you I will refrain from reproduction. I still think you should be aborted, though…starting with Justin-Fucking-Bieber.

    Oh as a final note, people – please let us remember the memorable and talented men who deserve the initial or acronym ‘JB’ far more than this fuck-weasel, men such as: John Belushi, James Bond (fictional, but still more deserving), Jeremy Bentham (creator of Utilitarianism), Jack Black, James Brown, and numerous others. Don’t give the shit more than he deserves.

  7. isabell

    why do you guys hate him so much ?what did he ever do to you all.you all just don’t like him because he can sing better than you.

  8. Anonymous

    What the utter fuck Have I just read??.. I am 17 now and there are no words to describe some of the above comments- I have felt less despair at the world on a comedown after a 48hr binge than reading a small selection of this crap… Well the older generation said they can’t understand the way I behave, and I argued and said they were wrong

    I think maybe I can sympathize with the way they must have felt because seeing this…jesus christ who knew all these dumb bimbos can congregate to go ape shit over some manufactured generic pop idol… o my bloody days I’m still getting over this

  9. Beebar

    what kind of argument is this: “you all just don’t like him because he can sing better than you”

    lool, I challenge Bieber batty boy to come out on a friday night for a little session, the kid won’t keep up, he’ll have 5 or 6 beers and start crying..does that mean that he doesn’t like me because I can party harder than him? No of course it doesn’t you dumb sket..

    It’s not a talent competion, People hate what he represents, and the fact is when you will *only* see this when you grow up.. NOTHING i can do will change your mind, you will be convinced you are right.. Then 1 day BOOM. you realise wtf did i listen to this shit for?!? and you will literally cringe that you liked bieber. that’s when you know you have matured.. It’s like when your parents play their old songs and you think omg they are so embarassing.. back in the day they LOVED it.. nobody could tell them it was shit.. they thought it was so good. it’s only later they realize, you can’t argue with people that support this fairy, you can only close your ears and hum like they are

  10. Martin

    If i catch this Bieber on my street I’m gonna come outside, Rain or shine, Night or day and beat his black ass to a shiny blue hue with a frying pan.. I’m deadly serious..

    So this Bieber thinks he is a senior gang member one minute, and a clergyman the next? From what I’ve been hearing on Twitter and the photos released by NYPD press office it most certainly seems that way.. Well I have Autographed, dated photo of Archbishop Desmond-Tuto in my living room which was explicitly entrusted to me as a wedding gift, and if that little fairy bieber batty boy comes within 20ft of my property I’m not responsible for my actions I swear.

    I invite him into my room, look at the photo, but don’t touch… challenge him to Tae-Kwondo match, Prison rules, which means lots of oil, and no cameras.. I’ll slide a finger with the words VEVO tatted on up his asshole till the carpet covered in cake mixture (no homo) and he will be squeling like a tiny pig getting fucked by the big corps, I’ll whip that fool into submission with the corner of a plastic document binder and then make him listen to a industrial hard house techno/ gabba cross mixtape for 5 hours until he’s a shadow of his former self..

  13. Antonio

    so i get the feeling your not a fan of justin pu$$y….i mean, justin beaver….i mean….bieber.
    no seriously though….i hate this kid too.
    this kid makes 4.5 million a month. a month! doing what? cuz it can’t be for making great music. ugh. its funny that mozart died penniless…while this kid makes millions every month based on horrible, unlistenable, garbage noise….i mean, “music.”
    god hates us, he hates us all,….this proves it. god is more akin to loki, the nordic god of mischief, than some just hebrew god.

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