After finding the monumental website “MyLifeIsTwilight.com,” we of naturally spent hours perusing its painstakingly written and edited pages. What we found was a story of broken love, blood, pain, depression, celibacy, and sex—from the point of view of a 12-year-old girl. Enjoy.

5. Last night, I got mad and beat up my girlfriend. Sometimes I just get so angry; it’s a burden I have to bear. MLIT.

4. Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because he doesn’t have glittering skin and he just wants to make out instead of struggling not to attack and kill me. MLIT.

3. Today, in class, there was a “No Talking About ‘New Moon’” sign, but I talked about “New Moon” anyway. MLIT.

2. Today, I started carrying around a vial of my own blood just in case I run into Robert Pattinson and I get a chance to force him to drink it. <3. MLIT. 1. Today, I went home and cried into my pillow for two hours because I’m lonely and depressed, but I know that if I move to Forks, Washington, vampires will fall in love with me and we’ll live in passionate celibacy until we get married and my unborn demon spawn eats its way out of my uterus. MLIT.