Come on, Gabe. Just three Death Matches ago you were decrying America’ss loss of class (ìn Death Match: Taylor Swift, Feb. 13th, 2009, Vol. CXLV, No. 5). And now look at you: you’re shamelessly attacking our nation’s greatest spokesmen for designer scarves, well-tailored suits, and elegant haircuts, the Jonas Brothers. While Zac Efron is certainly a talented young actor and gifted dancer, the Jonases are our last and best hope to introduce today’s youth to the finer things in life.


While there’s still no formal research on the subject, I would argue that young masters Nick, Joe, and Kevin are far more attractive than Efron in the eyes of the average pre-teen. The bros have been marketed far more libidinously than the High School Musical heartthrob. Songs “Burniní Up” and “A Little Bit Longer” speak directly to teenage sexual frustration, and their live shows are full of gleefully phallic imagery. Their purity ring gimmick is exactly like the fig leaf of chastity and innocence that once adorned Brittney Spears or Madonna. Zac Efron is pretty, but the JoBros are genuine sex symbols.


Moreover, the Jonas Brothers are more authentic artists. Sure, they’re on a major label (just like the Beetles, the Clash, and Rage Against the Machine), but they write and perform their own material. Nick Jonas is already a gifted songwriter at the age of 16, just like your favorite pop idol, Taylor Swift. They’ve earned roundly positive reviews and comparisons to power-pop legends Cheap Trick from the likes of Rolling Stone and Entertainment Weekly. In contrast, Zac Efron lipsyncs weakly to the tunes of anonymous songsmiths. And young masters Jonas, Jonas, and Jonas don’t restrict themselves to music: their film debut “Camp Rock” holds up against other Disney Channel Original classics like “Luck of the Irish,” “Johnny Tsunami” and yes, “High School Musical 2.”


Of course, amidst our arguments, all that matters is which party would win in a fight. Ignoring the fact that the Brothers outnumber Zac three-to-one, they are clearly more prepared for a fight. If fictional stereotypes of high school football coaches have taught us anything, it’s that sex saps a man’s strength. While Zac Efron has been weakened by the soft embrace of Vanessa Hudgens, the purity-ring laden JoBros are clear headed and prepared for battle.


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