You may have seen Benedict Bernstein ’09 hanging around the top floor of Usdan, talking (really loudly) about critical theory, the WSA, or how much he loves Obama. Benedict (Benny to those lucky enough to call him a friend) is quite a jolly fellow—always there to offer advice about cooking, especially if it involves a Cuisinart. Benny took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to sit down with me and explain the method behind the man.

Corinne Baldwin: So, Benny. I hear you are quite the little chef. What is your favorite dish to make?

Benedict Bernstein: Umm. It really depends on who I’m having over. I really like to cook for other people.

CB: Ohh. So then, what meal would you cook for the ladies?

BB: Well, it would depend on what’s fresh…but there’s this one thing that I came up with while I was studying in Egypt. It’s really thinly sliced potatoes fried in saffron butter, with crème fraiche, smoked salmon and caviar. Acquiring those ingredients in Egypt was extremely difficult. I flew the caviar back to Egypt from a weekend trip in Istanbul.

CB: Sounds like “Dinner Impossible.” How did you learn to cook such delicious foods?

BB: Mostly from my mom. But I also really enjoy reading cookbooks and watching the Food Network. It’s just one of those things. Can’t really explain.

CB: So will you have me over for dinner one time?

BB: You know it, baby.

CB: You mentioned you were in Egypt. Was that your semester abroad? What were you studying?

BB: Yah—I spent five months at the American University in Cairo. Doing Middle East studies. To prepare for a career as a CIA contract killer.

CB: Coooooool. I’m jealous. Do you actually know how to shoot a gun, though?

BB: Yes, actually. I used to shoot sporting clays when I was a kid.

CB: But anyway, about Egypt. That sounds like a really cool place to study. Did you feel safe and everything as an American in the Middle East?

BB: Yeah, Cairo is a very safe city. The only time I didn’t feel safe was when I got into a taxi and the cabby was smoking a hash spliff. I was pretty sure he was going to drive me out into the slums and sell us into slavery. Like in the movie “Hostel.” But I rode it out until he took me where I was going.

CB: So what is your major at Wesleyan? How does the Middle East studies thing tie into what you want to do for real?

BB: I’m in the College of Social Studies. But I’m writing a thesis that is essentially a Middle East studies thesis. But because of my major, right now I’m really interested in putting the “Western” tradition in dialogue with the Arab-Muslim tradition.

CB: What’s your thesis title? Can you explain your topic in a little more detail?

BB: It’s called “Conceptions of Justice in the Arab-Muslim World.” It’s an attempt to begin to define the concept of justice as an indigenous concept for Arab-Muslims, and put that in dialogue with Anglo-American conceptions of justice. So I’m using a lot of classical and contemporary Arab scholars as well as scholars from the “Orientalist” tradition.

CB: Cool, can’t wait to read it. Sounds like a page-turner.

BB: Don’t worry, I don’t expect you to read it. But I find it interesting.

CB: I was just kiddin’ ya. But to completely change the subject—I heard one of your housemates telling me just a little while ago about the Benedict-Bodyhair-Challenge. Can you elaborate?

BB: Yeah…[sigh]. A bet was lost.

CB: And?

BB: And I have to be hairless from the neck down. By this weekend. If anyone’s looking to help, there are still shifts available.

CB: I’ll make a note of it.

BB: Contact me by e-mail.

[Note: someone from the room suggests that Benny be a baby for Halloween, since he will be nice and smooth, like a baby.]

CB: So what are you gonna be for Halloween? You might make kind of a creepy baby.

BB: I might go as a baby panda.

CB: Ohh. That would be kind of good. Also, I’ve been asked to ask you—any relation to the junior, Ben Bernstein?

BB: In fact, no. And I must say that when I returned from my semester abroad to discover that my name had been usurped I used my connections with the administration to get a meeting with the director of Admissions, to demand that his acceptance be withdrawn immediately. When she declined, I filed a suit in civil court to get him to change his name. I’ve also sent several “cease and desist” letters to Ben.

CB: Did it work?

BB: No. So far, to no avail.

CB: What a shame. You should beat him up. Okay, well, that about brings this interview to a close. But do you have anything you are dying for The Argus readership to know, or to know about you?

BB: Umm, well, I wish there was something deep and meaningful I could say… but all I really wanna do is give a shoutout to my gym-buddy Sadie.

[Sadie, in the back of the room, knocks over a mug. Breaking sounds.]

BB: Aw, you douchebag! Way to ruin everything.