You’ve probably seen Chris Campisi ’09 mounting his “Wretched Hog” 50 CC Hard Thunder moped, riding away with the hearts of frosh girls the same way he rode in to take them. The only ’39 year old’ slated to graduate in the class of ’09, Campisi offers a fresh perspective on the term “Power Master.” Let’s see what he has to say for himself.

Corinne Baldwin: All right, first question: I can’t read, so what does your hat say?

Chris Campisi: Weed Edge.

CB: Weed Edge. What’s that all about?

CC: It’s like straight edge, but with weed. Back in the summer of 2002, I realized that the only way I was going to have a real impact on my hometown of Newton, Mass. was to start a vigilant gang of weed enthusiasts that were willing to throw down against the New Wave dumb asses who were infecting the weed-based hardcore and doom metal scenes in my town and neighboring Boston venues. By 2004 we made Newton the outpost for pro-weed terror in venues like Cambridge’s Middle East and TT The Bears. So now it’s pretty well known that you either smoke weed there or you get fucking sliced.

CB: Okay I guess I get it. You used to be a year above me, but now you are ’09. Why are you still here?

CC: I’m still here because on September 6th, 2006, the first Wednesday of my junior year, I was biking to the Gatekeeper, and I got hit by a speeding motorcycle that was going about 60 mph. It sent me flying across the entire intersection of High and Washington Streets. I spent about a month in the hospital… I broke most of my bones.

CB: What exactly did you break?

CC: I shattered my hip on the right side, I broke my right femur pretty bad, I broke an ankle, I collapsed a lung, I lacerated my spleen, and I broke my orbital eye socket thing and my brain was bruised and bleeding. I made a comic book about it—you can buy one if you want.

CB: God. How long did the recovery take?

CC: Well I had two major surgeries and I was in the hospital for about a month. Then I got out of the hospital and I was in a wheelchair for about two more months, and then I was on crutches for a while.

CB: I remember seeing you with a cane, you looked like Tiny Tim. Do you have any cool scars?

CC: Yeah, many good scars. Symmetrical scars on my hips and a scar above my penis. And I have a scar on my dick, that is probably about 11-and-a-half inches long. The Scar. I also have a scar on my back, but it’s actually a professionally-done cattle brand of an upside-down cross stabbing the virgin Mary through her space helmet that she’s wearing because she’s hover-boarding on one of Saturn’s rings. I got that after four consecutive days of mass-dose percocet in the hospital—a night nurse asked if she could try giving me a tattoo with a soldering iron.

CB: But now you just got a huge insurance settlement, right?

CC: Yeah, I just got a huge settlement. I’m motherfucking rich.

CB: How does it feel to be a rich man?

CC: Um. I don’t really feel any different, except for the Cristal hangovers that I have every morning. Plus, when you know you’re rich and therefore can get any girl you want, it makes life pretty easy. I walk into the bar and I say, “You can get a mojito with the top-shelf shit. I don’t care about your boyfriend. If he cared about you he wouldn’t buy you a mojito with Absolut.”

CB: You also just bought a motorbike or something too, right?

CC: It’s the Batavus HS50, made in Holland in ’76.

CB: I’ve seen you taking lots of girls for rides—seems pretty awesome.

CC: Yes, but none who I truly care about. Actually, uh… I am single, my phone number is 617-312-0964, gimme a call. I’m looking for a girl who shares my interests. I like pizza and Budweiser and weed. Can I say that? I like weed a lot. See? I can be humble.

CB: Also you’ve been playing in a Blink 182 cover band. Just for some clarification, are you officially “Blink 183” or “Stink 180-poo?”

CC: It’s whatever you want it to be. Actually I think we are just Blink 182. Our last show was at John Beeson’s [’09] house. It went really well, everyone was drunk, everyone was singing along. And then we were about to play our last song, “Carousel,” when Public Safety came to ruin everybody’s fun. I asked if we could play one more song, and I think she said no, but I started to play anyways and then the rest of the band played too. They pulled the plugs on us.

CB: Cool, I’m planning on it. I also wanted to ask you about your artwork, because I’ve seen a few of your prints and I think they are pretty cool. What have you been working on lately?

CC: Thanks, Cory. That was really sweet of you. Do you wanna make out?

CB: Maybe after the interview.

CC: But to answer your question, I really like to make drawings. Sometimes I do illustrations for magazines.

CB: What kind of illustrations?

CC: Mostly portraits. But I draw a lot of other stuff too. You can check out some of my stuff on my website, it hasn’t been updated in awhile, but the address is http://web.mac.com/chriscampisi.

CB: Okay, cool, I’ll be sure to check it out. I think we’ve covered everything, unless you have anything to add?

CC: Is that all there is to me? Everything can be captured in a five-minute interview?

CB: Um… yup.

CC: Fine, whatever, fuck you.