5. Aliens! (As seen in “Independence Day” or “War of the Worlds”)

Statistically speaking, there must be other intelligent life in the Universe. From that fact we can easily conclude that space-monsters will soon arrive on Earth bearing death rays and a vendetta against our monuments.

4. Zombies! (As Seen in “Dawn of the Dead” or “World War Z”)

So technically, there hasn’t been any sign of the rise of the walking dead yet. But we just can’t shake the feeling that mindless, unstoppable hordes of decrepit cannibals are coming for us. And John McCain’s campaign rallies aren’t making us sleep any easier. Also, we should note that “28 Days Later” is entirely heretical. When the zombies come, they will not run. There is some mercy in Nature.

3. Flood! (As seen in “Waterworld,” “Genesis” and “An Inconvenient Truth”)

Buy all the Prii you want—many climatologists are telling us that Global Warming is now irreversible. You know what that means: melting ice caps will soon submerge our civilization. Presumably, that means that Kevin-Costner-like mutant fishmen will soon do battle with evil, polluting pirates on the high seas. That’s not so bad, is it?

2. Robots! (As seen in “The Terminator” or “Battlestar Galactica”)

Think of how much of your life is currently controlled by machines. It’s terrifying. Even more terrifying is the invention of a walking robot that cannot be knocked down and can make its way across any terrain (google “robot dog” if you want some nightmares), and the creation of an actual computer system called Skynet. How the hell are we going to resist when (not if) they finally decide to rise up? And don’t let Keanu Reeves fool you into thinking that robots will allow us to surrender and serve them. They seek only our extinction.

1. The Rapture! (As seen in “Left Behind” and “Revelation”)

We haven’t actually read these, but we’re pretty sure that sinners like us are in for it now. How can millions of readers and Kirk Cameron possibly be wrong?