How was my Summer? How do you think it was? It was awesome! I’m fucking Michael Roth! And every hot summer night that I spend listening to Neil Diamond records and staring into the mirror while masturbating I am literally fucking Michael Roth.

But seriously folks, I had a great summer.

How was my Independence Day you ask? Amazing! In the spirit of my forefathers I decided I will never pay taxes again and went to Foxwoods. I ordered up $70,000 worth of chips and promptly paid for them in trinkets and small pox ridden blankets. They said that does fly here. I guess they’re right. I mean we are in a recession. Too bad I don’t run the country. I was close. When they see you crying once it’s all over. It wasn’t my fault. How could you not be moved to tears when the most gorgeous man in the world (me) has mastered the most difficult of piano pieces (Chopsticks)?

I went to liquor store and ordered up a couple Zima. He charged me $4, so I shot him as soon as I saw the whites of his eyes. Live free or die, motherfucker! My regret is that he could only die once.

Later, I drove to northern Rhode Island to give them a piece of my mind. An island shall never rule a continent! Then I drank a coffee favored cabinet (that’s what they call milkshakes). Driving home at first I didn’t know where I was, but then I continued on for five minutes on 95 and I was back in Connecticut where we call cabinets “cabinets” and Irish “unemployed.”

The night quickly approached and that’s when all my dreams came true. I’ve always had an affinity for Thomas Jefferson. I met woman on J-Date named Sally Hemmings. She came over. I saw fireworks that night (and I’m not talking about the sky). My next couple of weeks were tied up in paternity suits. Let’s not dwell on that. That’s for history to decide (and possibly the state of Connecticut to decide).

Pretty soon it was time to welcome Wesleyan’s class of 2012 to campus. It was splendid day! My wife and I bought a couple of 10-foot-tall statues of myself made completely of lead. My wife likes them because they look just like me. I like them because when I kiss them on the lips they taste like sugar. Good thing those freshmen were there to help me. I couldn’t have moved those statues in without them.