-Drink green beer. St. Patrick’s Day is everyday now! And everybody’s Irish. Even Jews!

-Move to Colonial Williamsburg. Why, your only emissions will be farts! (ed. note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!)

-Watch “Fern Gully.” Every time you watch it, an acre of rainforest comes back!

-Buy a Bentley Continental. (This will not help the environment. This will make you feel good about yourself.)

-Boycott every petroleum-based product in existence. ExxonMobil will be begging for mercy by the end of the year.

-Don’t drive to Bonnaroo this year. Instead, find the nearest big open field, a boom box, $50 worth of food from 7-11, a pup tent, and a bag of hallucinogens. Invite all your friends!

-If you don’t already have one, buy a Mac. Lots of people who care about the environment own Macs. -Ergo, buying a Mac must be good for the environment in some way.

-Carbon credits. Those are supposed to do something, right? (ed. note: Four carbon credit hours equal one Wesleyan credit.)

-Take public transportation more often. If there isn’t much public transportation near your house, start digging. Subways don’t build themselves.

-Quadruple your pineapple intake. Trust me.