10 ways to feel good about yourself - save the planet

By Andrew “Green” Bean

-Drink green beer. St. Patrick's Day is everyday now! And everybody's Irish. Even Jews!

-Move to Colonial Williamsburg. Why, your only emissions will be farts! (ed. note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!)

-Watch “Fern Gully.” Every time you watch it, an acre of rainforest comes back!

-Buy a Bentley Continental. (This will not help the environment. This will make you feel good about yourself.)

-Boycott every petroleum-based product in existence. ExxonMobil will be begging for mercy by the end of the year.

-Don't drive to Bonnaroo this year. Instead, find the nearest big open field, a boom box, $50 worth of food from 7-11, a pup tent, and a bag of hallucinogens. Invite all your friends!

-If you don't already have one, buy a Mac. Lots of people who care about the environment own Macs. -Ergo, buying a Mac must be good for the environment in some way.

-Carbon credits. Those are supposed to do something, right? (ed. note: Four carbon credit hours equal one Wesleyan credit.)

-Take public transportation more often. If there isn't much public transportation near your house, start digging. Subways don't build themselves.

-Quadruple your pineapple intake. Trust me.

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.