To the greatest of all contraceptive drugs

That makes it okay to give too-close hugs

Getting “like, so drunk” last Friday night

Before you was never so all right

But now, dear pill, you’ve solved all our woes

Such that we can pursue 1,001 cheap and easy hoes

Without remorse, fear, or the birds and the bees

(But, sadly, gotta keep in mind adult cooties [yes, STDs])

Whenever I’m looking for that quick sloppy fix

I’ll know to follow it by traveling down route 486

So the next time I’m with a girl in backseat or bed

And her voice quavers with a little dread

As she asks, “You’re not wearing a rubber, are you?”

I can say, “Don’t worry, baby, just slug back the RU”

“Or you could give me a blowjob. Your choice.”