We’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately, and we wanted to set the record straight. There will be NO stoppage in the production of professional pornographic movies. We are on the job, and we will be on the job, construction the exciting plots and filthy dialogues for your favorite bleach-blonde minxes and well-hung studs. The Porn Writer’s Guild has made sure that they will stay on the job by making plenty of generous concessions to our producers. Sure, such luxuries as “a predictable pay schedule” and “health care” would be nice, but it was the decision of the Guild’s members that this nation’s needed a constant stream of new jack-off fodder. It’s more important than ever, with the lowbrow, amateur fuck-and-suckfests proliferating across the internet, that the masturbating public understand the importance of production, of story, of multiple camera angles. There’s a lot of effort going into the product we make out here in the San Fernando Valley, the type that Pam from Dayton can’t give you on her camcorder.

Also, as a side note, you really don’t want to see these people try to act on their own. Remember, many porn stars are people who moved to Hollywood to catch their big breaks just because they were pretty, and lacked any other discernable talent. We have to write how what to say during fake orgasms. Swear to Jesus. Seriously, you’re seen these movies. Porn stars are god-awful actors. Just fucking terrible. Just imagine if they had to improvise; you’d get scenes with minutes of awkward silences, and people blankly looking into the camera, saying “I want to fuck you.” The point remains, all is well. You are free to touch yourself without worry.