Amherst and Williams: Neither one swallows. Trust me.

Grinnell: Imaginary. Do you actually know anyone who goes there? Honestly.

Bates, Bowdoin and Colby: Actually the same school.

Colgate: Buildings are not actually made of toothpaste.

Yale: Do not believe in the reach-around.

Cornell: Fewer suicides than you would think. More assholes.

Brown: Half of the Wu-Tang Clan graduated from Brown (Ghostface with honors).

Columbia: Viewed from above, campus appears to the be the shape of a swastika.

Wellesley: Actually Wesleyan.

Vassar: Actually Wellesley.

U of Michigan: Voted “most popular” in high school.

Lehigh: Everyone you never wanted to see after high school goes here.

Georgetown: Weekly orgies with Madeline Albright.

Berklee School of Music: Average time spent sitting in parent’s basement after graduation = 3 years.

Wesleyan-Ohio: Surprisingly good school.

Harvard: Surprisingly gay.

Princeton: Paid for 1950’s renovations solely with pennies from students’ loafers.

McGill: Terrorist training camp.

Brandeis: Only eat Christian babies on the Sabbath.

RISD: Still gayer than Wesleyan (barely).

Tufts: Like Clark Hall, only whiter.

Emory: Sounds like “enema”.

U of Miami: Most popular major: Fingerpainting.

MIT: President is actually a robot, students all secretly hate Star Trek.

Smith: To bed.

Holyoke: To wed.