Little-known facts removed from Princeton Review profiles of America’s top colleges

By Steve “I’m not even enrolled here” Aubrey

Amherst and Williams: Neither one swallows. Trust me.

Grinnell: Imaginary. Do you actually know anyone who goes there? Honestly.

Bates, Bowdoin and Colby: Actually the same school.

Colgate: Buildings are not actually made of toothpaste.

Yale: Do not believe in the reach-around.

Cornell: Fewer suicides than you would think. More assholes.

Brown: Half of the Wu-Tang Clan graduated from Brown (Ghostface with honors).

Columbia: Viewed from above, campus appears to the be the shape of a swastika.

Wellesley: Actually Wesleyan.

Vassar: Actually Wellesley.

U of Michigan: Voted “most popular” in high school.

Lehigh: Everyone you never wanted to see after high school goes here.

Georgetown: Weekly orgies with Madeline Albright.

Berklee School of Music: Average time spent sitting in parent's basement after graduation = 3 years.

Wesleyan-Ohio: Surprisingly good school.

Harvard: Surprisingly gay.

Princeton: Paid for 1950's renovations solely with pennies from students' loafers.

McGill: Terrorist training camp.

Brandeis: Only eat Christian babies on the Sabbath.

RISD: Still gayer than Wesleyan (barely).

Tufts: Like Clark Hall, only whiter.

Emory: Sounds like “enema”.

U of Miami: Most popular major: Fingerpainting.

MIT: President is actually a robot, students all secretly hate Star Trek.

Smith: To bed.

Holyoke: To wed.

Originally published on February 15, 2005

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.