Before I run off for the summer, I just wanted to let everyone know how excited I was about my summer job. Earlier in the year, I was stuck trying to figure out what I wanted to do this summer. I wanted a job that was adventurous, required quick wit, and had very little oversight. Yet I couldn’t think of a position that would be open to a college student during the summer. But then it hit me: Fraud. What’s more American than that? I have decided that I will travel the country, defrauding the elderly out of their life savings.

Now, some of you may be saying “Bean, that’s pretty low, even for a guy who blackmailed the manager of an IHOP with doctored photos in order to eat free pancakes for a year.” Look, I’ll admit that what I’m doing isn’t in what we consider the “normal” boundaries of employment. But I’ll be doing what I love, which is getting my swindle on. And what’s more I’ll get to see every corner of this great land of ours, getting to know its people and getting acquainted with their money. It’s not like they spend it on anything, right? Better the money is in the hands of someone who will immediately reinvest it in the economy. I’ll reinvest the money in the community, too. I’m sure the strippers of the Greater Washington, D.C. area will be thanking me for years to come for my upcoming largesse. But don’t think that this is the only thing I’ll be up to. I also plan to:

– Fix a series of horse races
– Immolate several Scientologists
– Set a firm in the Cayman Islands to launder the money I plan to expropriate. Expropriate sounds less…y’know…morally wrong.
– Become a major player in the world’s illegal pineapple trade.
– Hire a lawyer with questionable ethics.

I’ll be busy, no doubt. But there’s not a better type of busy than being busy with a series of scams, rip-offs, and pseudo-legal schemes.