Friends, we are in the middle of a struggle, the likes of which have not been seen on many years.We are trapped in a state of virtual servitude, in which we cannot use sticks of colored gypsum to write on the sidewalks of out hallowed university. We have been robbed of a way to advertise events, be irreverent or make jokes. Last year, I attempted to throw a dance party. Without the aid of chalk, I was forced to advertise by more “conventional” means. Only three people showed. The most important statements of our time are going unsaid, from “I like chalk” to “Wes needs more unicorns” and even “It should be known that last night, after receiving fellatio from your mother, she remarked that she greatly enjoyed the taste of my semen.” I issue a call to all of you to chalk at all hours of the day and night. Clog the jails with the oppressed! Make the system break down, exposing the illogic of the anti-chalk!

Some critics charge that are other ways to make announcements and express one’s self. I’d like to hear them. Interpretive dance? A town crier? One of those planes that flies around carrying a banner? Face it, the only way we can express ourselves is chalking. And without it, this school is a collection of conformists, whose true personalities are just waiting to bloom with the aid of chalk. I must sign this anonymously, lest P-Safe comes and takes my chalk away, much like Joey DuMaurier took my chalk and threw it in the creek during recess in third grade. But keep your heads held high, Wesleyan! We shall remove the yoke of oppression, and chalk freely, but until then, we cannot consider ourselves full citizens of the United States of America.