It has come to the Ampersand’s attention that many serious international calamities are left without solution. These horrific situations, including the Canadian toupee shortage, and international under-appreciation of spam, must come to an end. We at the Ampersand have decided to take it into our own hands. (Plus, we have so much money to throw around, we had to do something with it). And so we introduce:

THE AMPERSAND INTERNATIONAL STRIKE FORCE!
BumbumbumBUMbum DUNDUNDUNDUNDUNNNN

Our crew of fearsome, yet sufficiently jovial excellent heroes will prevail!

Ted “Wolf-Face” Feldman (a.k.a. Wool Face, a.k.a. Wolf Face, a.k.a. Wolface)
Heavy weapons tech, artificial inseminator. Single-handedly repopulated the Fiji Islands after the “Count Hammerclaw” incident.

Jason “Stryker Deathfist” Bitterman
200 pounds of pure muscle and sinew. Also know as La Cucaracha and Shiva, destroyer of worlds. Afraid of water.

Rebecca “The Girl” Loomis
Kills for fun. Her titanium berets can slice through the air faster than you can say, “what’s a nice girl like you…”

Stephanie “The Other Girl” Gomory
Kills the fun. For fun. Emotional support.

Andrew “Looks Like…” Bean
Soft-spoken, wisecracking obligatory black member. Often mistaken for Chris Tucker, Denzel Washington, and Morgan Freeman. Sensitive.

Brendan “Good Altitude” Larkin
His insane computer skills are only matched by his trouble with the ladies, the source of much comic relief.

Daniel “Sinatra” Cerruti
Stabs a sweet melody of fear straight to the heart of any and all in his way. Vicious, yet smooth. Eyepatch. Knife throwing skills.

Angus “Urkel” McCullough
Random (yet endearing) complete personality changes make him an X-factor.

“CB-4gan”
Real identity unknown. The proverbial Charlie to our buff, very masculine Angels.

THIS JUST IN: It seems that the population in Europe is in fact decreasing. You may say: “Great news, guys! The bubonic plague, just in time” but wait, the reason is that the women refuse to have enough babies! What?! For some reason, the ultra heterosexual French and German men cannot force their women to submit to their obvious duties as baby-makers? Somebody has to do something! This is a job for…

THE AMPERSAND INTERNATIONAL STRIKE FORCE!

Our superior insemination skills have no equal, our emotional support is unparalleled. There can be no room for defeat. Quick! To the yurt-cave!