1928: The film The Jazz Singer receives an Oscar at the first Academy Awards celebration for making movie history. It is the first film to use audio clips in scenes where the white jazz singer sang in black face. It won in the category of “Most Racist Thing Yet to Be Captured on Film.”

1930: The Academy members think they are safe from the losses of the depression until they find out that James Stewart invested their money in The Savings and Loan Bank. Just as the Academy was about to disband, an angel comes down from heaven and convinces the members to stay together. They then blame an old man in a wheelchair for all their problems.

1933: I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang wins an award for having a title that summarizes the whole film in one sentence.

1939: Gone with the Wind wins a then record setting nine Academy Awards. Following the ceremony Clark Gable commented, “Looks like Gone with the Wind blew away the competition.” This statement was immediately published in the 1940 bestseller, The Big Book of Terrible Puns.

1943: Due to the United States’ current involvement in World War II, the Academy decides to make the ceremony less decadent. They cut the dinner and dancing portions of the event in an effort to support the troops with frugality. Afterwards all attendees climbed into their golden Rolls-Royces and drive to their mansions to make a bonfire fueled by steaks, caviar, and warbonds.

1952: John Ford wins his fourth Best Director Academy Award for The Quiet Man. Upon witnessing this both Orson Welles and Alfred Hitchcock, neither of whom had ever won the Best Director award, screamed in outrage, “Give someone else a chance.” However, their angers were quickly forgotten when they ate a couple of roasted chickens and realized that they each received packages of gushers in their Oscar gift bags (they are fat).

1957: The Bridge over River Kwai wins best picture. Structural engineers everywhere think they are cool.

1960: Both Gary Cooper and Hayley Mills win special awards. Cooper for his long movie career including his roles in Sergeant York and High Noon, Hayley Mills for her willingness to clone herself to make The Parent Trap and the courage she displayed when she was forced to kill her clone because it was threatening to take over the world.

1972: Native American Sacheen Littlefeather accepts Marlon Brando’s best actor award for his role in The Godfather. Upon giving it to Brando, Littlefeather contaminates it with small pox and steals Brando’s estate. Brando then is forced to appear in corn oil ads for income.

1978: The Academy admits that they do not understand foreign films and hate reading subtitles. The only reason they introduced the Best Foreign Language Film category was because at the time they had a thing for intelligent women with glasses named Margot, who quote Sylvia Plath, wear scarves when it isn’t cold, and subscribe to the New Yorker.

1984: F. Murray Abraham wins best actor for his role in Amadeus. Soon after accepting the award, he, like everyone else in the world, forgets who he is.

1999: Hilary Swank wins Best Actress for portraying a woman who chooses to live her life as a man in Boys Don’t Cry. This causes people across the world to wonder why Robin Williams didn’t even get a nomination for his role in Mrs. Doubtfire.

2002: Roman Polanski wins Best Director for The Pianist, yet he decided not to attend the ceremony. When questioned as to why he neglected to come, Polanski responded, “It was picking up a person that small that got me in trouble in America in the first place.”

2005: Michelle Williams receives a Best Supporting Actress nomination for her role in Brokeback Mountain. Coincidentally, her former Dawson’s Creek cast member James Van Der Beek receives a nomination for Kinko’s employee of the month on the same day for his role in preventing a group of 12 year-olds from making photo copies of their asses.