Well, Valentine’s Day falls on a Wednesday this year, so you know what that means for me. That’s right! A hot and sensual night filled with a hallmark card from my grandmother followed by a new episode of Top Design and repeats of The Real Housewives of Orange County on Bravo (hey, if I were blind I am sure I would think one of those ladies is hot).

However, Wednesday is not the best day to have Valentine’s Day on. It’s kind of cool because it is almost a Thursday (for all intents and purposes the end of the week; a great time to get messy drunk, but not so drunk that you throw up. I mean that’s what Friday and Saturday are for), but it also has a certain Tuesday feel (curl up on my bed with my copy of The Iliad, blast my favorite Vanessa Carlton album, paint my nails, and enjoy Veronica Mars on the new CW).

It’s especially a conundrum because this is the first Valentine’s Day in a while that I am single, having just got out of a long-term relationship. Things are still sort of weird and I am having a hard time meeting women (“No, that was an aspirin I just dropped in your cup. It will prevent you from having a headache when you wake up tomorrow, I swear”), and people aren’t that friendly (“Why did you just kick me in the balls? I just don’t want you to feel sick tomorrow morning. God, that fucking hurt! It’s a good thing I brought aspirin to this party”).

What my best friends, Dawson and Pacey (yes, I get up early to watch reruns of Dawson’s Creek on TBS) tell me to do is, “go out on a really laid back date to build my confidence.” (Okay, they didn’t actually tell this to me. Yet, if I were in the show I am sure this is what they would say to me, or me played by Scott Baio). So, that’s what I intended to do until I realized that I am as awkward as brail copy of a driver’s education text.

I probably should just find a girl that is so interested in me that she wouldn’t care how boring or unintelligent I am. I imagine our date would go something like this:

Brian: Hey

Hypothetical Girl: Hey, thanks for taking me out on Valentine’s Day.

Brian: No problem, I have always wanted to take you out and I had a little extra money, so I figured I’d show you a good time.

Hypothetical Girl: Yeah, I can’t believe that you could afford to pay for both of us to eat at MoCon.

Brian: It’s not the classiest place, but it was on the way from where I was coming from.

Hypothetical Girl: Oh, where were you coming from?

Brian: The Science Library.

Hypothetical Girl: Where were you headed?

Brian: The Butts.

Hypothetical Girl: (completely serious) Oh, that’s cool.

Brian: Yeah, it doesn’t that much sense, but I like to run around the campus.

Hypothetical Girl: Oh, do you run often?

Brian: No… I-I-I wasn’t really running, I was just walking in the cold… alone… smoking a cigarette.

Hypothetical Girl: Oh, do you smoke often?

Brian: Um…No…I mean yes….I mean I’d quit for you… I am so lonely.

Hypothetical Girl: That’s so sad. Let’s get some food.

(10 minutes later at a table)

Brian: What did you get?

Hypothetical Girl: Just a turkey sandwich. What did you get?

Brian: Just a burger and fries. MoCon usually gives me gas… oh, sorry.

Hypothetical Girl: (extremely earnest) No. I sometimes have problems with MoCon as well. Not that bad, but MoCon can be gross.

(silence for ten minutes)

Brian: I think I am going to get some relish.

Hypothetical Girl: Do you like relish?

Brian: Well, sort of.

Hypothetical Girl: That’s cool.

Brian: Oh, yeah… I, umm… relish relish.

Hypothetical Girl: Hahahahahahahaha… I don’t normally like puns, but that was hilarious. Did you come up with that yourself?

Brian: Yeah…it was a little bit of improv.

Hypothetical Girl: Are you in one of the improvisational troops?

Brian: Well, I auditioned for Desperate Measures at the beginning of last year.

Hypothetical Girl: How did it go?

Brian: Pretty solid. I did this thing about a hooker who sold herself for spaghetti. She was a pastatute.

Hypothetical Girl: Hahahaha, my god you are talented.

Brian: Really? I mean yeah, of course, but they said they were going in a different direction. You know. They wanted some body who was a little more “droll,” whatever that is.

(Brian gets his condiments of choice and comes back)

Hypothetical Girl: What’s you favorite movie?

Brian: Probably Caddy Shack 2… I mean 1 was good, but Robert Stack made 2 so much better. Bill Murray was good in 1, but Stack is so awesome. What’s your favorite movie?

Hypothetical Girl: A Streetcar Named Desire.

Brian: Oh, one of the movies from The Fast and Furious series.

Hypothetical Girl: (very sweetly) sort of.

Brian: That’s cool.

Hypothetical Girl: Yeah.

(silence for five minutes)

Hypothetical Girl: What did you do today?

Brian: I…um…, got up, took my jock itch medication…oh fuck I shouldn’t have said that.

Hypothetical Girl: It’s okay.

Brian: Oh. Okay.

(Silence for five minutes)

Brian: I got you this.

Hypothetical Girl: (excited) A bouquet of socks. I love it!

Brian: I was going to wash those socks, but I figured it’s Valentine’s Day.

Hypothetical Girl: It’s great.

(Silence for two minutes)

Brian: This might be a little too forward, but would you like to suck my dick?

Hypothetical Girl: I thought you would never ask.

(They walk to Brian’s dorm room together).