Lyndon LaRouche, accompanied by the LaRouche Youth Singers, today announced his intention to seek the presidency of Wesleyan University. The announcement marks his fourth attempt at becoming president of the school. During the over-two-hour press conference, which started at North College before being moved to the steps of the Campus Center and finally to the MPR, LaRouche promised to overhaul the administrative structure, stating that “Wesleyan will cease to exist within the decade” if the Board of Trustees does not make him president. Perhaps the most controversial aspect of LaRouche’s plan would be the renaming of Wesleyan University to “The Worldwide LaRouche Youth Movement Training Facility” and the abandonment of the traditional academic curriculum, replacing it with intensive studies in the beliefs of Lyndon LaRouche. The Athletic Department would also be disbanded, replaced with more funding of “high arts”, especially singing. LaRouche plans to have WLRYMTF choruses travel the world, “making life hell for British Zionists”, as he put it.

Students greeted LaRouche’s decision with hostility. “I’m not feelin’ his ‘Anti-Hedonism Task Force.’ Like, not at all. Totally not cool,” said a visibly intoxicated Jake Cohen ’10. EON member Jessica Hartwell ’08 said she “wasn’t crazy” about LaRouche’s plan to build a nuclear reactor on Long Lane.

LaRouche said that he expected opposition to his bid. “I can’t blame these students for having a negative reflexive reaction to my ideas. They have obviously been seduced by British Financiers, as well as their American allies, insane fascists Dick and Lynne Cheney, and their pawn, noted Jew Joe Lieberman. I consider it my duty to show these students the light.”

In related news, the editorial staff of the Wesleyan Ampersand announced Monday that they “simply can’t stop making fun of LaRouche. I mean LaDouche. See what I did there?”