In 1989 I was on top of the world when my little restaurant, the Max, was selected as the food provider for Bayside High School. I had a glorious time serving the likes of Zack, Slater, Kelly, Jessie, Screech, Lisa, and a bunch of unpopular kids whom they exploited over their years at Bayside.

But when they graduated things just weren’t the same. Sure, Lisa stayed around for a while because she was too dumb to get into college and Kelly still went to the school dances as a professional escort, but the kids changed and I couldn’t keep up.

But fortunately, Wesleyan’s food contract is up for bids, and I’d be a great candidate. Just look at all these great qualities I have:

• I always am fair with my workers and never want to put anyone out of a job. Like when Kelly ditched work to go to the dance without coming to me first; I was mad at her, but I didn’t fire her. I mean, she had to go into the Penalty Pit, but that was it. It probably didn’t physically hurt her that much; she just fell into a pit of used syringes. Her skin turned yellow, but serves her right for not keeping up with her Hepatitis shots.

• When Jessie was a bulimic, the Max was the only place she would binge eat.

• I taught Zack how to freeze time and talk into the camera so that no one else saw.

• I could get my friend Bill to bring his restaurant, the Bill. Also, I’ll drive my car (which I call “the Max”) to Wesleyan (which I call “the Max”) and speak my own dialect of mid-90’s English (which I call “the Max”).

• I’m known for the great relationships I have with the kids. I even watched The Cosby Show and listened to some Will Smith albums to better understand Lisa.

• I could deck out MoCon with totally hip decorations, like neon zig-zag borders and crazy Wilson-Phillips posters. We could get some unicorn stickers and maybe even a jukebox. Damn, it would be so bad-ass.

• When Screech was struggling in his sex-ed class and cramming for the final, I helped him the only way I knew how: I fucked his mom in the ass. He didn’t learn a thing, but I thought it was really cool when it made the clip-show episode.

• When Kelly moved out to Beverly Hills, 90210 (I don’t know why I added the zip code, nor why she insisted on being called Valerie) she would always get food after smoking with her new friends.

• Finally, I can double as a bartender, and I know how to handle drunks. Slater used to knock back a few every now and again, and he’d make pretty wild accusations. For example, he would complain that Screech stole his laptop and that Zack’s semen was acidic. Those statements were absolutely ridiculous. I mean, this was 1989. Zack was too young to have acid cum.