Last Friday I was asked to write some blurbs for some movie ads. Originally they wanted Evan Carp to do it, but he was unavailable because he’s too busy writing speeches for the Pope. They found my name on a list of former Foley pages and gave me a call.

At first I was really concerned about my job, but it turns out all I have to do is sift through reviews of the films being shown at Destinta and manipulate things until they’re positive.

For example: Manohla Dargis of the New York Times writes, “This is just flat out not a good movie.” I change it to “This is just flat out… a good movie.”

Here are some more ads I came up with:

Everyone’s Hero. Washington Post film critic Stephen Hunter said, “However, at the main character’s nadir, he happens to find—are you sitting down?—A talking baseball. Does that not send chills up your spine? Wow, what a clever invention. And just to make it more fun, let’s give Mr. Ball—known as Screwie (Rob Reiner)—the conventional cabdriver’s Brooklyn patois, so he sounds like a Dead End kid in the ’30s. But wait: Let’s team the talking ball with a talking bat, no less than the Babe’s own. Who is writing this stuff?”

Ad: “Clever!”— Stephen Hunter

All the King’s Men. Michael Atkinson of the Village Voice wrote, “Penn is going for larger than life. He is not even more likeable than a southern politician, with his unintelligible Louisiana drawl and swinging his arms like an autistic evangelist.”

Ad: “Penn is… more likeable than… an autistic.”— Michael Atkinson

Employee of the Month. Nick Schager of Slant magazine wrote, “Frat boys and KKK members will surely love this.”

Ad: “If you love DKE parties then you’ll love this film.”— Nicholas Schager

Barnyard. “The CG animation looks like rubbery plastic instead of animals, and much of it is spent on sophomoric humor,” according to Combustible Celluloid writer Jeffrey M. Anderson.

Ad: “Better than a comic in the Argus.”— Jeffrey M. Anderson