I arrived at school last month with the hope of permanently leaving the weevil-infested orphanage I once called home. After I arrived, though, I was greeted with the rudest chorus of names and obscenities you could think of. Even my roommate urinated on me as I slept.

But then I learned something: Apparently, Negroes are not allowed to enroll at this school. The university must have assumed I was white while reviewing my application. I contested that, as I met the academic requirements set by the college, I should be allowed to matriculate regardless of the color of my skin. The admissions office responded that I would be better served picking cotton and eating watermelon.

So I turn to you, the students of Wesleyan University: Please help me persuade the administration to accept me. Those of you who have not repeatedly screamed racial epithets at me, threatened me with physical violence, or actually committed those acts of violence against me have been very helpful.

I very much look forward to convincing those others of you that I am not, in fact, the son of a gorilla from the Belgian Congo, and that I am, in fact, able to be in a room with a white woman and not make a pass at her. So please, help me with my cause. I don’t want to be a shoe-shine boy for the rest of my life.

P.S. Please stop asking me to shine your shoes when I am in proximity to you. I do not, in fact, shine shoes for a living.