May 26th, 2006 marked the beginning of Wesleyan’s yearlong celebration of its 175th anniversary. Yes, it’s hard to believe that Ivy League rejects and kids not athletic enough to go to Williams have been coming to Wesleyan since 1831. This 175th birthday has been dubbed the “terquasquicentennial,” a word derived from Greek and, according to the New College Ancient Greek & English Dictionary, means “a word that nobody really knows how to pronounce, created by a pretentious prick who has never been laid and has a fake British accent.” Upon further research, I found that the man’s name was Kelsey Grammer.

The Wesleyan administration is currently advertising the great accomplishments of students and faculty at the university. These include the first incident of racist graffiti in Clark (“I’m not so sure about these Catholics”), the first time that a Wesleyan student sold a pre-frosh a bag of oregano under the pretense that it was pot, and the highly successful ad campaign for triples in Butterfield A: “Three-way action all night long in A. Butt.”

But what about the university itself? I think it is important to look at the milestone birthday events that Wesleyan has had leading up to its 175th.

1st: Parents “accidentally” forget Wesleyan’s birthday. Wesleyan’s mother feels terrible about the incident and gives Wesleyan a makeshift ice cream cake (consisting of cream that had been frozen in an ice-cube tray and placed on whole wheat bread) and a used Mad Libs with which she cheerily advises him to “think about the funny things you could have written.” His father quips to his mother, “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. Nothing you do to him at this age really effects him.” His father then blows smoke rings in his face and puts him to bed with a plastic bag over his head.

6th: Wesleyan’s grandmother sends him a tiara, lipstick, and an angora sweater. The grandmother’s dementia made her think that Wesleyan was a girl, but he sees no problem with this and uses the gifts anyway. His love for transgender people and Mrs. Doubtfire is sparked.

13th: Wesleyan’s bar mitzvah is a success. His Jewish friends don’t notice that he adlibs his entire reading, and his non-Jew friends learn that just because you’re kosher doesn’t mean you can’t mix meat with fun. Furthermore, the D.J. plays the hottest mix of the 1820s, 30s, and today, throwing in a couple of slow songs and Wesleyan’s favorite jam (“Back that Ass Up” because he fancies himself “a fine motherfucker”). After that, he invites this girl from Hebrew school to a Chinese buffet and, finding that his parents blocked all the porn channels, gets a hand job while watching The Honeymooners on Pay-Per-View.

16th: Wesleyan gets a horse-drawn carriage for his super sweet sixteen. He then begins to sing “With the Fringe on Top” from the musical Oklahoma!. The song gains Oklahoma admission into the Union, but all of Wesleyan’s friends just think he’s gay.

21st: Wesleyan gets really drunk with his college buddies at a bar. When he goes home he runs into the bathroom, waits a couple of minutes, then throws up. To this day his friends are miffed as to how he missed the toilet, the shower, and the sink, necessitating an agonizing clean up.

35th: Wesleyan thinks he is getting old and invests his birthday money in a 401(k).

45th: Goes through a midlife crisis, takes the money he put in the 401(k), and throws himself a makeshift Eyes Wide Shut party. Midge Bennett comes wearing a mask, and Doug sings opera.

50th: Wesleyan turns 50 and his friends make a big deal. Lord Jeffrey Amherst gives him a series of gag gifts, including an “Over the Hill” mug, an “Old Fart” shirt, and 50 trick candles. He then mocks Wesleyan by rehashing jokes from the Brooks and Reiner “2,000-Year-Old Man” bits, to the delight of the other guests. Wesleyan is not amused by Amherst, and lights his house on fire with one of the trick candles. Firemen are trying to extinguish the blaze to this day.

100th: Upon his release from prison for arson charges, Wesleyan realizes that all his friends are dead, or, even worse, poor. Thus, he has no party this year.

125th: Wesleyan receives a television and has Willard Scott announce his birthday on the Today Show. Unfortunately, Scott pronounces Wesleyan’s name wrong and remarks on how his sister went there when it was an all-girl’s school. Wesleyan gets so angry that he becomes permanently incontinent and starts using Centrum Silver.

150th: Depressed, Wesleyan decides that he will try to suffer through another year. He cannot figure out the Rubik’s Cube he received, and decides that REO Speedwagon and Air Supply suck. However, when he goes out to see the Dudley Moore movie Arthur he is inspired. He immediately takes a bath in Steel Reserve 40’s (he’s no millionaire) and marries Liza Minnelli.