ALCO 251—Intermediate Drinking
Students will use the higher tolerances acquired from the Freshman Drinking Seminar and begin to make the move from drunk to shitfaced. Topics include keg stands, double fisting, the proper uses of Everclear, and the relative merits of PBR. Permission of the instructor is required for this course and can be attained by going out drinking with the professor and showing him that you’re good people. I can’t have any wet blankets or violent drunks in this class. There is also a $25 course fee. This shit isn’t free, man.
Major Readings
Halpern, BEIRUT FOR CHAMPIONS
O’Malley, I’M GOING TO TRY TO TEACH YOU TO DRINK LIKE AN IRISHMAN AND YET YOU’LL STILL FAIL LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE
Esto, FREE LIQUOR THROUGH SEDUCTION
Liver, JUST GET IT OVER WITH AND KILL ME
AMST 208—My Life Is A Mess
Students will be required to show up at every class and listen to the instructor blather on about his wife, who is a skanky ho, his bratty, insolent children, his lack of tenure, auto insurance, immigrants, the cost of a goddamn sandwich these days, his upcoming hernia surgery, the assholes filling up his classes, and his imaginary friend, a 30-something gay man who owns an antique store. Students will be required to write weekly response papers agreeing with whatever the professor said in the last week, as well as providing him with free therapy during the semester. And did I mention my wife is a lying she-devil with no regard for the feelings of men? Whore.
ENGL 170—Hooking Up for the Socially Retarded
This course will teach students who have no social filter, are afraid of members of the sex they’re attracted to, or lack general social skills. Students will be put in real-life situations, and will have film dissected and critiqued by classmates. To pass the course, you must hook up with someone (doesn’t matter who; beggars can’t be choosers) by the end of the semester.
Major Readings
Beauregard, THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO SPITTING GAME
Green, UN-FUCKING-BELIEVEABLE: HOW A SHORT, BALDING MAN ENDED UP BANGING THE WORLD’S HOTTEST SUPERMODELS
Smith, ORAL SEX THROUGH BETTER ELOCUTION
ENGL 110—Auto Shop for English Majors
You’re an English major, and your writing, analytical skills, and knowledge of great literary works is second-to-none. But after you discover that there are few jobs suited to your skill set, you can at least fall back on being an ASE-certified mechanic.