A lot of people at Wes don’t appreciate their parents. I’ll admit, in high school I thought my parents were the enemy (Do the dishes? What am I, a serf?) Then I figured out that if you just treat the primary caregiver in your family like they’re Bob Barker, everything works out nicely. Sure my dad makes me do really inane shit sometimes (like call him once a week and give him a hug at Christmas), but he’s also giving me a four-year paid vacation in Connecticut. Score! Thanks Bob!

God I love my parents. They pay for my college, my coke habit, AND my therapy! So here’s my advice to all of you get annoyed when your parents say they love you in public: suck it up. The real goal is getting as far in life as possible, and your parents will help go places if you play your cards right (remember: they have money and you don’t). With parents, sometimes you have to suck a little dick. Metaphorically, of course. Did I mention I’m in therapy?