In the October 28, 2005 issue of the Argus, a certain student wrote a scathing four-sentence Wespeak expressing his disappointment with this year’s Ampersand. Intrigued by this, Amper writer Brian Morgan did a bit of research and found that this isn’t the first negative letter that the student in question has written to a publication.

Letter to Popular Science (2005):

I’m sorry that every smart person in the world (except for me of course) is dead. Don’t get too down about it. In the past issue you stated that Stephen Hawking was the smartest living person. You must realize, however, that Stephen Hawking isn’t that smart. I mean, if he really doesn’t need a calculator to do math, how come he needs a computer to speak? Maybe somebody who actually knows how to walk will trick you into thinking he is a genius.

Here’s to hoping.

Letter to Women’s Home Journal (2005):

I feel awful that women are inept. Please don’t get angry about it. Just remember that if you had the brain of a male with above-average intelligence (take me for example), taking care of babies would be much easier. The trick with the cry of a hungry baby is to shake it. Trust me; I took care of a fish once, so I’m an authority on this topic. Maybe someday, through evolution, women could almost be as smart as dogs (not Snoopy, but possibly Marmaduke).

Here’s to hoping.

Letter to Homeless Child on the Street (2003):

It’s a shame that you’re a little kid dying of hunger on the street. Don’t be upset though. You did this to yourself. You should have been like me and had wealthy parents. Then you could take the money from your massive trust fund and spread it out among many mutual funds. But, that’s just the way the world works. I am innately better than you. Maybe, someday you could get a job working for me as a washroom attendant.

Here’s to hoping.