Hey, my name is Brian Morgan, but you can call me Captain. As in Captain Morgan. I am running for a position in the Wesleyan Student Assembly. A lot of people don’t know who I am (the real me, not Captain Morgan. I know all you guys are just dirty alcoholics), so I am going to tell you who Brian Morgan is and what he stands for.

My middle name is named after my grandpa, who graduated from Wesleyan in 1950. My full name is Brian Grandpa Morgan.

I am very unique. My favorite bands are Dave Matthews Band and Phish. I’ll be honest, I’ve done drugs. Mainly pot and beer, but I’ve tried heroin. I’m currently trying to cut down on the amount of times I try heroin per day.

I am not married, but I have many illegitimate children. One of them was with an Eskimo lady. I mention this because I think Wesleyan likes diversity.

I love squash, but squash players have to go. Therefore, I am going to start a party to kill the whole squash team. I think that we should change the Wesleyan fight song to Beck’s “Loser.” Finally, there would be a song that sums up our football team’s ability.

Blind people think they are so cool.

I will standardize a ring tone that all Wesleyan students could enjoy. It will be the sound of Lord Jeffrey Amherst getting mauled by a group of Native Americans he just gave diseased ridden blankets to.

I propose that we change the name of the Malcolm X House to the Wayne Brady House. I don’t know why, but as a white person I am just more comfortable with that.

I realize that everyone here comes from different religious backgrounds, but I think that we can all admit that Jesus saves…a whole lot of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico.

I miss Polio, let’s do something about that.

So in conclusion, I am not a bad guy. I have never received a blow job by an intern in a blue dress and I don’t just go around friending people on Facebook without any intention of hanging out. Please vote for me, so that I can revel in the glory of winning for five hours and then resign. Peace out.