Frequent pornography viewer Kyle Morpeth ’09 looks forward to putting into practical use the advice and information about women he has gleaned from the incalculable amount of erotic videos in his possession.

“I just saw a movie where the woman was totally turned on by the pizza man knocking on the door and asking ‘who ordered extra sausage’. It’s genius,” Morpeth said. “I’ve been taking mental notes for about four months now, and it’s almost time to put them into action. This week I applied for a job as a pizza deliveryman. I’ll get paid and laid.”

Surprisingly, Morpeth, who started out watching high-brow sexual parodies such as Schindler’s Fist and The Internal Sunshine of the Spotless Behind, is currently single. However, he anticipates his dating status will change when he begins “Project: Fuck.”

“Until I found out about pornography, I really didn’t understand girls,” Morpeth said. “Now, I’ve got an edge. One movie had this girl who was really into giving horses blow jobs. A lot of guys wouldn’t think women would be into that stuff, but she totally went down on the horse and got so horny she even had sex with her sister.