More than any other holiday, with the possible exception of Boxing Day, Valentine’s Day raises questions of how we may fare in the eternal paintball match we call “love.” To help get some idea of what lies in store for our faithful readers, the Ampersand has consulted E&ES professor and noted television psychic Jim Culex-Mahoney to learn…

WHAT CAN GEOLOGY TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE?

Shale: The sign of Shale is passing through the Sedimentary House this V-Day, so you Shalers can expect a “rocky” time. Be on the lookout for a new love interest, but don’t do anything foolish while you’re “stoned.” Also, you will be stoned to death.

Limestone: It would be totally hot if this V-Day, you and your significant other made a video of you guys doin’ it, and then totally put it on the network. Awesome.

Sandstone: Much like the sedimentary rock that is your sign, you are made up of millions of tiny bits glommed together. They’re called atoms, and God had nothing to do with them. Spend this V-Day wrestling with questions of faith vs. science. By the way, if you choose science, you will be stoned to death.

Marble: It would be “gneiss” if you had someone with whom to share this V-Day, but unfortunately your love life is “schist.” God, I am so fucking clever.

Pumice: Pumice is in its Primary House, the Igneous House, for V-Day weekend. According to my charts, that mean—oh, fuck, I’ve had the chart upside-down this whole time? Whoops.

Petrified Wood: Petrified wood is wood which has been covered in mud, sediment, and oftentimes ash. Different minerals from these sources enter the pores of the wood and “permineralize” it, filling it until it’s more mineral than wood. Depending on the minerals in the petrified wood, you can find it in all sorts of colors, including green, red, blue, yellow, and pink!

Granite: Man, I can’t stop thinking about that hot mpeg that Limestone and his girlfriend are gonna put on the network. According to the charts, they’re into some kinky-ass shit, let me tell you. Damn, I’m harder than a rock.

Shale: You will see the love of your life onstage at a rock concert this V-Day. The love of your life is a roadie. Your children will hate you, and grow up to be Republican investment bankers.

“Bazooka Joe” wrapper: Not stone. Wacky comics, cool fortunes… BJ’s got it all. You will give or recieve a BJ on V-Day. And then get a VD.

Obsidian: The charts say that you wil—oh, God. God, that’s horrible. A river of locusts, huh? Snakes throwing spiders, too. Holy shit. Wow. I don’t really know what to say. Except, I guess, I’m sorry. Also, get your affairs in order.