REVIEW OF LOST SEASON 3 PREMIERE A.K.A. “WORST EPISODE EVER”
Jason “fanboy108” Bitterman
Once again the creators of LOST prove how inept they are at creating an accurate portrayal of life on an island inhabited by polar bears, jungle monsters, and 70’s-era dungeons. The Season Three premiere was without a doubt the worst episode of Lost ever. It took me three viewings, one of them at one-quarter speed, but I now know for sure that this show has finally jumped the shark. After watching the episode, I nearly threw away all of my official Lost action figures. Nearly.
Where to begin on why Wednesday night’s episode sucked a donkey’s balls? How about the completely illogical opener, where we see that the Others live in a suburban village in the middle of the island. Do the writers honestly expect us to believe this? Wouldn’t the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 notice the smoke coming from the fully functional chimneys we see in the opening scene? And how in the world do you power a town that’s on an abandoned island? I didn’t see any electrical wires. What is this, fiction? Nice try at making a coherent plot twist, but nothing gets past me.
The rest of the episode was equally terrible. There is a major factual error about 24 minutes into the show: Jack is knocked out by a female character, even though everyone knows that women are incapable of hurting men. Later on, at 32:11, Jack acts totally out of character when he attacks his father in a flashback. However, in episode 2A07, Jack explicitly says that he “is a pacifist.” Make a decision. It gets worse: about midway through the episode Sawyer eats a doggie treat. However, upon close inspection, we see that the actor doesn’t actually swallow it. (I’ll admit that perhaps this was intentional. I propose a new theory in which Sawyer is actually a robot— which by definition are incapable of digestion— that has been programmed to protect the other characters from the Others.)
I have officially lost all hope for Lost (Zing! I can’t wait to tell the guys at www.lostfanatics.com that one). The show was great in episodes one through four, but it’s been downhill since. I’m seriously never going to watch this show again, except for next week, just in case they explain what the numbers mean. Consider this a warning, Lost writers.
LOST TWISTS YOU MISSED… ‘CUZ THEY WERE THAT TWISTED!
Dan “Down the Hatch” Cerruti
– Actually takes place in overgrown area of Staten Island
– Island really more of an isle
– Said actually part of terrorist cell, ruining only positive Middle-Eastern depiction on TV
– Everyone actually dead in a coma dreaming from waking up all over again in hell
– Island gets trendy new boulangerie
– Cast goes off to space to destroy asteroid, Janine Basinger appeased
– No one is actually lost, more just taking the scenic route
– Southern part of island secedes
– Mutton chops come back in style in a big way
– Island moved to MoCon, Eclectic staff still going to give it 100%
– World ends. (Yeah, most people didn’t catch that one. It was pretty subtle.)
– Monster revealed to be poorly-upholstered ’68 VW bus
– This doesn’t have anything to do with Lost, but I just wanted to bring up something about our school. What the fuck is up with the Joss Whedon fetishizing? Look, here’s some perspective: dude has only had two ideas, which have stretched out over twenty years! Buffy makes decent movie, follows up with decent TV show. Firefly doesn’t make it as a show, so what do you do? Make it into a mediocre movie, starring rip-offs of The Fifth Element, 28 Days Later, Cowboy Bebop, The Manchurian Candidate, and every western I’ve ever seen. Look, people, just because he went to our school and you saw Serenity a week before it came out doesn’t mean he’s a god. Get over it, and pray that sometime soon we get a director from our school that isn’t Michael Bay.
– Ted Feldman washes up on island, fifteen bands form in aftermath
Leave a Reply