Hermes, son of Zeus and messenger of the gods, was killed yesterday by the Argus in a startling reversal of centuries of Greek Mythology.
The death match allegedly occurred near WestCo. The Ancient Greeks dig nudity.
“It’s been said for years that the Hermes killed me by boring me to death, and I was just so tired of this story that I decided to take matters into my own hands,” the newly triumphant Argus said through a publicist. “Hermes told me all my eyes looked like pimples and I just clobbered him.”
Argus said he wasn’t expecting to see Hermes since he hadn’t been around as often as he used to be.
Students applauded the development.
“Hey, the Argus was better anyway. Let the best Greek God win,” said George Farce ’07.
Scholars are already scrambling to rewrite their textbooks.
“This is the biggest development in Ancient Greece since, well, the end of Ancient Greece,” said Professor Hanna Mary Jones. “This will have profound effects on Argus-Hermes jokes on this campus, and not much else.”
The hundred-eyed Argus had been guarding a young priestess named Wesleyan when Hermes came along.
“That Hermes almost bored me to sleep again with his insipid songs and meandering tales,” Argus said. “Thank gods I knocked him off when I did.”
While the Argus victory was unexpected, students have clearly favored the Argus for years.
“The Argus is everywhere, man. And awesome!” said Joseph Smith ’06. “I completely understand Argus’ frustration and condone his actions.”
While few shed tears for the Hermes, administrators are concerned about copycat crimes on and around campus.
Public Safety pulled WESU, near death, from the claws of WSHU.
WesWings is the lead suspect in a meat bombing of the Vegan Café.
And, most shockingly, Wesleyan Argus Executive Editor Katharine Hall allegedly tried to poison Hermes Editor Katherine Hall.
“Argus Katharine Halls are now proven to be superior to Hermes Katherine Halls,” Argus Hall said as Public Safety carted her away in The RIDE.
The other Hall disagreed.
“What happened between those mythic figures obviously has nothing to do with us—either symbolically or metaphorically,” she said.
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