With the proposed new Biological Life Science Whatever-the-fuck-says-the-English-major building swooping in as the replacement for the building they tell me is called Shanklin, several members of the community who I’m assuming haven’t gotten laid in a good long while if ever are banding together under the banner of Shanklinistas. Or so I think. The Argus could be making shit up, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt as the legitimate news source they claim to be.
Hey folks! It’s me, Joey Stalin! Now, I know two things: 1) Communism, and 2) pancakes. And while you can find Communism in Cuba (for now – fingers crossed) and pancakes in a box, you can only find both of those things in one place: Stalin’s House of Pancakes!
Today was President’s Day and I celebrated accordingly. To feel extra presidential, I hired Public Safety to set up video cameras and monitor me while I slept. The film, “The Science of Me Sleeping,” will be shown in my next class. Then, I freed myself up for the day (that oven will still be on tomorrow) and traveled to New York City. Before I left, I filled my wallet full of counterfeit $5 bills with my face on them (I’m the real 16th President).
In the true style of the Argus, we’re celebrating a holiday a day late: happy President’s Day! And although you might be too hungover from your wacky celebrations last night – which indubitably included playing Presidents (or, as you Loyalist Torrie bastards call it, “Kings”) – it’s important that we all take this time to reflect on great President’s Day of year’s past.
Yesterday, I was lucky enough to run into America’s friendly presidential candidates at a Denny’s. It was just after the Iowa caucus and, after introducing myself, they were all nice enough to dish out some presidential perspectives on current film.
Did you know that there were tons of presidents before George Washington? People say that they don’t count since it was under the Articles of Confederation. Well that’s twaddle! Did gravity not count before Isaac Newton? Did everyone fly around and live in outer-space villages? The answer is no, most of them did not. When will Nathaniel Gorham get his moment in the spotlight? Cyrus Griffin awaits his fifteen minutes. But the powerful George Washington lobby is stopping the word from getting out. Spread the word and stop this balderdash! George Washington didn’t even have teeth! Is that the man we want as our first president?
Are you crazy in love? Or do you want to be? Maybe you just need some advice or a tummy tuck/liposuction combo. But don’t resort to anything drastic, darlings! Ask Miss Amper will answer your all of your questions just in time for Valentine’s Day!
Well, it’s that time of year again: the time when it’s Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as February. You’ve got a bottle of wine, spaghetti for two, and your favorite Laser Disc copy of “Terms of Endearment.” And you know what that means, a great night of crying alone!
Most of the sexually active young people on this campus have a healthy fear of getting a sexually transmitted disease, and take the proper steps to prevent it. However, there are a few lesser-known STDs you could catch from your friends coming back from a semester in Transylvania, or those of your friends that can be likened to the proverbial town bicycles.
Sheila Bloominfield is the Watson Crick Professor of the Physics of Biological Molecular Chemistry at Wesleyan University. She recently published her third book on the relationship between primate masturbatory habits in a post-globally warmed world and issues dealing with speicial identity entitled “You Are What You Beat.” She spent the last year on sabbatical in New Jersey studying the cultural affects on the misuse of the word “effect” in the Trenton Times-Picayune.