April 05, 2025

U.N. Proposes Long-Term Conflict Solutions

February 7, 2006, by Katie “Coke and Maybe 7 or 8 Red Bulls” Brown, . Leave a Comment

please just get over it shit someone hook up the stereo jesus christ! i love this song turn it up its not a big fucking deal lets get along lets dance already come on come on whycantyoualljustFUCKINGDANCE!!!!!!!

Israeli-Palestinian Future Questionable Following Electoral Victory by Hamas

February 7, 2006, by Alex “I Have a Violent Stomach Virus” Gelman, . Leave a Comment

The increasingly unattainable goal of peace in the beleaguered state of Israel was dealt another blow recently when the militaristic pseudo-terrorist party of Hamas defiantly trounced its opposition in Palestinian parliamentary elections. Israel’s main point of contention with Hamas stems from the Palestinian party’s denial of Israel’s existence, which is rather surprising…

Popular Support for U.S. Involvement in Israel Hits Record Low

February 7, 2006, by Brendan “Just Written up by Public Safety” Larkin, . Leave a Comment

The Israel-Palestinian conflict really gets my goat. I mean, it’s a lot like a party if you think about it. Sure, sometimes the party can get rowdy and sometimes Israel calls the cops, the U.S., to come and make sure their flat-screen TV isn’t stolen or those strangers don’t hook up in their roommates’ bed.

Alito Confirmed Despite Democratic Objections

February 7, 2006, by Nat “Listening to Dashboard Confessional” Webb, . Leave a Comment

The confirmation of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court marks the biggest sea-change in the court’s makeup since– Oh, hell, I can’t do this. I was so bummed by Alito’s confirmation that I put on this old Dashboard/Bright Eyes mix (from when Nicole dumped me) on repeat, and I’ve just been sitting here since then.

Editors’ Note: Fair and Balanced

February 7, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Here at the AmperOffices, we appreciate the importance of biased journalism. With all the recent talk of burning embassies and angry mobs, we felt it was important to make a statement of our strongly-held belief in the freedom of the press.

Jess Lane is a pathetic spinster and she’ll die alone… unless you enter our contest!

February 7, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Win a date with Amper babe Jess Lane (or Gelman, if you like Jews who are dudes)! For serious!

Editors’ Note:

January 31, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Oh, hello there. We didn’t see you! Yes, it’s another semester already. We’d forgotten, too. Which means that we didn’t really have an Ampersand ready to go. But the new Editor-in-Chief (who is a Republican) insisted that we put something together.

AMPERQUIZ! Is he a cheat?

January 31, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Answer five simple questions to find out!

Brangelina Adoption Woes!

January 31, 2006, by Andrew “Abusing Social Services since 1987” Bean, . Leave a Comment

Many people think that it would be cool to be adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. To these people I would say nothing, because I would be slapping them instead. In my opinion, being the adopted progeny of Hollywood royalty would suck. Here are some reasons why:

STEER THE RIGHT COURSE! Relationship advice from Chuck Wallace, professional NASCAR dad

January 31, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Dear NASCAR Dad, I’ve been dating this boy since the beginning of seventh grade. That’s almost four months! And things are starting to get hot and heavy. Sometimes we even neck! But lately he’s seemed less attracted to me. I developed anorexia to lose some weight but I’m still afraid he’s going to break up […]

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