Gruffles is a Racist

February 21, 2006, by Claire “African American Studies with a concentration in Gender and Sexuality” Greenwood, . Leave a Comment

Friday night was so embarassing. I took puppy to the Jubilee Shades of Blackness performance and he insisted on wearing his “Yellow Labs Rule” trucker cap and an Exeter shirt! After we sat down to watch the dance troupes, he peed on the ground. Throughout the performance he was barking and peeing, all the while in his stupid outfit. AWKward!

Editors’ Note of Love

February 14, 2006, by Alden Ferro, . Leave a Comment

Inspired by the unequivocally powerful film Brokeback Mountain, the most stirring and passionate love story of our time that has ignited the hearts and loins of moviegoers nationwide, millions of strapping straight lads throughout America have taken a cue this Valentine’s Day from Ang Lee’s masterpiece.

Straight Men Across the Nation Have Sex with Gay Cowboys

February 14, 2006, by Alex “I Wish I Knew How to Quit Jew” Gelman, . Leave a Comment

Inspired by the unequivocally powerful film Brokeback Mountain, the most stirring and passionate love story of our time that has ignited the hearts and loins of moviegoers nationwide, millions of strapping straight lads throughout America have taken a cue this Valentine’s Day from Ang Lee’s masterpiece.

Open (Love!) Letters

February 14, 2006, by Ted “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” Feldman, . Leave a Comment

Dear Joss Whedon,
Take us now.
Love, Alpha Delt

Hallmark Announces New Multi-Denominational Valentines

February 14, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

In a effort to "spread peace and tolerance across the globe, while cashing in on the buying power of under-Valentinized religions such as State Shinto," Hallmark, Inc. announced Monday that they would release a new series of Valentine’s Day cards featuring popular religious figures.

Point/Counterpoint: Being Alone on Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2006, by Brendan “Apparently Multi-Personalitied” Larkin, . Leave a Comment

Point: Contrary to popular belief, being alone is not a bad thing, especially on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to worry about buying gifts or remembering anniversaries. Also, there are plenty of great things that are best when done on your own, like reading, single-player mode in Mario Kart, or riding a tandem bike alone.

Missed Connections

February 14, 2006, by Jess “Craigslist is my Boyfriend” Lane, . Leave a Comment

CAMPUS CENTER LOVE TRANSACTION I was in my North Face jacket and brown knit hat with white snowflakes. You were wearing a red button-up shirt with a black apron. I bought the seafood salad special at lunchtime. You had to swipe my card like three times and you asked me how my day was. I […]

Editors’ Note: Fair and Balanced

February 7, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Here at the AmperOffices, we appreciate the importance of biased journalism. With all the recent talk of burning embassies and angry mobs, we felt it was important to make a statement of our strongly-held belief in the freedom of the press.

Jess Lane is a pathetic spinster and she’ll die alone… unless you enter our contest!

February 7, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Win a date with Amper babe Jess Lane (or Gelman, if you like Jews who are dudes)! For serious!

The 8-Year-Old Film Critic Tells the Aristocrats Joke

February 7, 2006, by Stevie Aubrey, . Leave a Comment

Once upon a time there was this guy, and he had a show. And this other man— wait, let me start over.

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