April 09, 2025

Gruffles is an Acclaimed Star of Stage and Screen

February 21, 2006, by Nat “Vin Diesel for Best Actor” Webb, . Leave a Comment

When we got this puppy, we had heard it used to be one of those show-biz dogs. Not the kind that can find a treat in Jay Leno’s pants on live TV, but rather a trained acting dog. Naturally when I learned this I immediately demanded that we had a film festival of all the great stuff our new puppy had been in.

Point/Counterpoint: Being Alone on Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2006, by Brendan “Apparently Multi-Personalitied” Larkin, . Leave a Comment

Point: Contrary to popular belief, being alone is not a bad thing, especially on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to worry about buying gifts or remembering anniversaries. Also, there are plenty of great things that are best when done on your own, like reading, single-player mode in Mario Kart, or riding a tandem bike alone.

Missed Connections

February 14, 2006, by Jess “Craigslist is my Boyfriend” Lane, . Leave a Comment

CAMPUS CENTER LOVE TRANSACTION I was in my North Face jacket and brown knit hat with white snowflakes. You were wearing a red button-up shirt with a black apron. I bought the seafood salad special at lunchtime. You had to swipe my card like three times and you asked me how my day was. I […]

Editors’ Note of Love

February 14, 2006, by Alden Ferro, . Leave a Comment

Inspired by the unequivocally powerful film Brokeback Mountain, the most stirring and passionate love story of our time that has ignited the hearts and loins of moviegoers nationwide, millions of strapping straight lads throughout America have taken a cue this Valentine’s Day from Ang Lee’s masterpiece.

Straight Men Across the Nation Have Sex with Gay Cowboys

February 14, 2006, by Alex “I Wish I Knew How to Quit Jew” Gelman, . Leave a Comment

Inspired by the unequivocally powerful film Brokeback Mountain, the most stirring and passionate love story of our time that has ignited the hearts and loins of moviegoers nationwide, millions of strapping straight lads throughout America have taken a cue this Valentine’s Day from Ang Lee’s masterpiece.

Open (Love!) Letters

February 14, 2006, by Ted “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” Feldman, . Leave a Comment

Dear Joss Whedon,
Take us now.
Love, Alpha Delt

Hallmark Announces New Multi-Denominational Valentines

February 14, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

In a effort to "spread peace and tolerance across the globe, while cashing in on the buying power of under-Valentinized religions such as State Shinto," Hallmark, Inc. announced Monday that they would release a new series of Valentine’s Day cards featuring popular religious figures.

Popular Support for U.S. Involvement in Israel Hits Record Low

February 7, 2006, by Brendan “Just Written up by Public Safety” Larkin, . Leave a Comment

The Israel-Palestinian conflict really gets my goat. I mean, it’s a lot like a party if you think about it. Sure, sometimes the party can get rowdy and sometimes Israel calls the cops, the U.S., to come and make sure their flat-screen TV isn’t stolen or those strangers don’t hook up in their roommates’ bed.

Alito Confirmed Despite Democratic Objections

February 7, 2006, by Nat “Listening to Dashboard Confessional” Webb, . Leave a Comment

The confirmation of Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court marks the biggest sea-change in the court’s makeup since– Oh, hell, I can’t do this. I was so bummed by Alito’s confirmation that I put on this old Dashboard/Bright Eyes mix (from when Nicole dumped me) on repeat, and I’ve just been sitting here since then.

Editors’ Note: Fair and Balanced

February 7, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Here at the AmperOffices, we appreciate the importance of biased journalism. With all the recent talk of burning embassies and angry mobs, we felt it was important to make a statement of our strongly-held belief in the freedom of the press.

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