It’s almost Passover, and in anticipation of the massive exodus of campus Jews that accompanies this holiday, we seem to be suffering a series of plagues. Bad ones. First it was the bats. Then the explosive diarrhea. Now it’s the return of cold, wet weather after a tantalizing taste of warmth.
As a campus-wide e-mail informed us last week, students across campus are suffering from a serious case of the Technicolor Yawn and the Hershey Squirts. It is most likely viral in nature, and the route of transmission of these infections is typically fecal-oral.
10. The words to the Mr. Hanky theme
9. Baby Ruths
8. Somewhere behind Cheney’s vocal cords
7. Alex Gelman’s seed
6. April Fool’s jokes
In the most serious collegiate case of animal excretion since the 1986 epidemic of kidney armadillos at Yale, Wesleyan students have developed a severe case of bat-filled diarrhea. The Office of Public Health advises students not to be alarmed by the development, offering tips for understanding and preventing Gastrobatpoopinitis.
Film critics are abuzz over the recent leak about Robert Altman’s upcoming A Prarie Home Companion, one of the most secretive, closed-set projects in recent memory. The news that star Garrison Keillor and supporting actress and Hollywood jet-setter Lindsay Lohan would be sharing an explicit sex scene shocked and titillated many of the industry’s leading pundits.
What’s actually in the newly uncovered vault?
With the calamitous uproar over Danish cartoons blasphemously depicting Mohammad, a scathing condemnation by a certain Wesleyan student, and the cancellation of Joey, it seemed that the tumultuous storm clouds brewing over the Muslim world couldn’t get much darker…
Hey, kids! Think you know what the Ampersand staff is doing for spring break? Test your knowledge by matching each staff member with their exciting spring-break plans! Cool beans!
Well, it’s almost springtime again, and that means spring cleaning! We recently unlocked a long-lost vault of hilarious yet astoundingly timely pieces which we never ran. So we figured hey, they can’t be any worse than Evan Carp’s inflammatory crap. (Which is, perhaps not coincidentally, an anagram for "inflammatory carp.")
"Cinderella Man is exactly what it sounds like: a Cinderella story about a man."
"Meet the Fockers has received unbelievable ratings and reviews… I was laughing the whole three hours."
Must Love Dogs: "While the title indicates otherwise, it is not actually necessary to like dogs to enjoy this movie."