In the most serious collegiate case of animal excretion since the 1986 epidemic of kidney armadillos at Yale, Wesleyan students have developed a severe case of bat-filled diarrhea. The Office of Public Health advises students not to be alarmed by the development, offering tips for understanding and preventing Gastrobatpoopinitis.
In one of the biggest examples yet of the power of the internet, as well as the rapid decline in quality of Hollywood films, upcoming movie Shits on a Plane has developed a devoted fanbase months before its summer opening, Studio exects were persuaded to go back and add more than 15 minutes of footage to the final cut several months after it wrapped, adding even more violent and bloody diarrhea, kick-ass violence, and scenes of Angelina Jolie having sex from other movies.
Okay, I know it’s been a while. I know you have to think long and hard to recall those halcyon days when I was cool, when I was hip, when I meant you were popular. I know you’re probably reading this in the bathroom while your bowels are more out of control than a flying high-speed means of transportation that has been commandeered by slithering reptiles, but bare with me for a second. Come on kids, don’t you remember me?
The Aristobats
Bat Santa
Sisterhood of the Travelling Bats
How Stella Got Her Groove Bat
Miss Congeniality 3: Bats!
The Truth About Bats and Bats
What’s actually in the newly uncovered vault?
With the calamitous uproar over Danish cartoons blasphemously depicting Mohammad, a scathing condemnation by a certain Wesleyan student, and the cancellation of Joey, it seemed that the tumultuous storm clouds brewing over the Muslim world couldn’t get much darker…
Hey, kids! Think you know what the Ampersand staff is doing for spring break? Test your knowledge by matching each staff member with their exciting spring-break plans! Cool beans!
Well, it’s almost springtime again, and that means spring cleaning! We recently unlocked a long-lost vault of hilarious yet astoundingly timely pieces which we never ran. So we figured hey, they can’t be any worse than Evan Carp’s inflammatory crap. (Which is, perhaps not coincidentally, an anagram for "inflammatory carp.")
Film critics are abuzz over the recent leak about Robert Altman’s upcoming A Prarie Home Companion, one of the most secretive, closed-set projects in recent memory. The news that star Garrison Keillor and supporting actress and Hollywood jet-setter Lindsay Lohan would be sharing an explicit sex scene shocked and titillated many of the industry’s leading pundits.
"Cinderella Man is exactly what it sounds like: a Cinderella story about a man."
"Meet the Fockers has received unbelievable ratings and reviews… I was laughing the whole three hours."
Must Love Dogs: "While the title indicates otherwise, it is not actually necessary to like dogs to enjoy this movie."