Wesleyan University President Doug Bennet announced his impending retirement from the world of academia Wednesday, leaving a number of the pressing matters of his presidency as yet unresolved. Bennet, who intends to spend his retirement reading, sailing, and undergoing electro-shock speech therapy, did not comment on how his retirement would impact issues of long-term strategy, institutional memory, or partying hard to Andrew W.K.
So what’s happening to Kate Brown, Johann Patlak, and Stephen Aubrey?
Do you hear that? Listen closely, faithful followers, can you hear it? That distant bell toll from far off Argus offices. What is it, you ask? That is the dong of liberation, the ding of freedom, for the witch is dead, and with her goes a tyrannical reign of estrogenical "humor."
I didn’t learn anything my freshman year and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard I will party with Andrew W.K., so I guess I’ll just write about how everyone in my life is leaving me. The Ampersand is really like a family. Katie Brown is the mom, but one of those cool moms who doesn’t yell at you for submitting stuff late and encourages you to drink and have unprotected sex.
Scandal rocked Wesleyan Saturday when word got out from this guy at a party that Alexis Hardslab ’06 had ended her nearly three-year relationship with Earth and Environmental Studies professor Manfred McCrackity. Hardslab, according to the anonymous and totes wasted source, is now totally hitting it with a lobster ’09, one of the first students admitted as part of Wesleyan’s new Seabeast Scholars program.
The end of the semester is generally known for great weather, flowers blossoming, breakups, and devil-may-care attitudes towards drunken hookups. There is, however, a much darker side to it all: death. Here are some recent obituaries:
Dan Cerruti and Andrew Bean tell us how to get laid.
Personals.
Look outside, Eric, animals are putting their dicks in each other! Horses have their periods. And you have a boner! It’s MATING SEASON. Nature is telling you it’s time to wear fewer clothes and not have sex with fewer people. Also, according to Ampersand polling, lots of people are breaking up with each other.You know I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. And then have sex with. This issue is about love.
1) The Weather Alhough talking about the weather any other time of year is taboo, perpetual disappointment warrants serious discourse: Fuck you, God. 2) Blossoming Trees and Flowers Outside my window, there is a beauteous tree that is in the middle stages of blossoming baby beauteous tree flower things (I’m no scientist), and every morning […]