April 05, 2025

Everybody’s Leaving Me: An AmperFamily Eulogy

May 9, 2006, by Brendan “My Mom Thinks I’m Handsome” Larkin, . Leave a Comment

I didn’t learn anything my freshman year and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard I will party with Andrew W.K., so I guess I’ll just write about how everyone in my life is leaving me. The Ampersand is really like a family. Katie Brown is the mom, but one of those cool moms who doesn’t yell at you for submitting stuff late and encourages you to drink and have unprotected sex.

Kate Brown’s plans for senior week and proclamation of love for Marc Sommers

May 9, 2006, by Kate Brown, . Leave a Comment

I, Kate Brown, will tell you the truth about what I’m doing during Senior Week. My housemate Sarah and I are going to carry around buckets and have a tear collecting competition. It will be like Family Double Dare, only the first one to fill their bucket past the line doesn’t get to dive into a giant ice cream sundae in search of a flag. They still have to leave. But what if Marc Sommers was our graduation speaker?!

The Truth About Senior Week

May 9, 2006, by Steve “22-year-old Everything Critic” Aubrey, . 2 Comments

The real schedule of events.

What I Learned Freshman Year

May 9, 2006, by Dan “Learning Monster” Cerruti, . Leave a Comment

From classes, friends, the Ampersand, and Wesleyan.

AmperObituaries

May 2, 2006, by Brendan “Ashes to Ashes, Bros before Hos” Larkin, . Leave a Comment

The end of the semester is generally known for great weather, flowers blossoming, breakups, and devil-may-care attitudes towards drunken hookups. There is, however, a much darker side to it all: death. Here are some recent obituaries:

What I’ve Learned About Girls At College: Freshmen Give Us All Some Mating Season Advice

May 2, 2006, by Dann CerrutiAndrew Bean, . Leave a Comment

Dan Cerruti and Andrew Bean tell us how to get laid.

Single Humor Publication Staff Seeks Your Love

May 2, 2006, by SHPS ISO Hot Bitches, . Leave a Comment

Personals.

Editors’ Note (is for lovers but only when drunk)

May 2, 2006, by , . Leave a Comment

Look outside, Eric, animals are putting their dicks in each other! Horses have their periods. And you have a boner! It’s MATING SEASON. Nature is telling you it’s time to wear fewer clothes and not have sex with fewer people. Also, according to Ampersand polling, lots of people are breaking up with each other.You know I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. And then have sex with. This issue is about love.

Senior Dumps Professor for Lobster; Lobster to Broken-Hearted Prof: “Snip snip snip”

May 2, 2006, by Nat “Rock Cock” Webb, . Leave a Comment

Scandal rocked Wesleyan Saturday when word got out from this guy at a party that Alexis Hardslab ’06 had ended her nearly three-year relationship with Earth and Environmental Studies professor Manfred McCrackity. Hardslab, according to the anonymous and totes wasted source, is now totally hitting it with a lobster ’09, one of the first students admitted as part of Wesleyan’s new Seabeast Scholars program.

Ampersand Point-Counterpoint: Points

April 25, 2006, by Nat “Life Is Pointless” Webb, . Leave a Comment

Point: I Need More Points.

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