I didn’t learn anything my freshman year and I can’t even begin to imagine how hard I will party with Andrew W.K., so I guess I’ll just write about how everyone in my life is leaving me. The Ampersand is really like a family. Katie Brown is the mom, but one of those cool moms who doesn’t yell at you for submitting stuff late and encourages you to drink and have unprotected sex.
I, Kate Brown, will tell you the truth about what I’m doing during Senior Week. My housemate Sarah and I are going to carry around buckets and have a tear collecting competition. It will be like Family Double Dare, only the first one to fill their bucket past the line doesn’t get to dive into a giant ice cream sundae in search of a flag. They still have to leave. But what if Marc Sommers was our graduation speaker?!
The real schedule of events.
From classes, friends, the Ampersand, and Wesleyan.
The end of the semester is generally known for great weather, flowers blossoming, breakups, and devil-may-care attitudes towards drunken hookups. There is, however, a much darker side to it all: death. Here are some recent obituaries:
Dan Cerruti and Andrew Bean tell us how to get laid.
Personals.
Look outside, Eric, animals are putting their dicks in each other! Horses have their periods. And you have a boner! It’s MATING SEASON. Nature is telling you it’s time to wear fewer clothes and not have sex with fewer people. Also, according to Ampersand polling, lots of people are breaking up with each other.You know I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. And then have sex with. This issue is about love.
Scandal rocked Wesleyan Saturday when word got out from this guy at a party that Alexis Hardslab ’06 had ended her nearly three-year relationship with Earth and Environmental Studies professor Manfred McCrackity. Hardslab, according to the anonymous and totes wasted source, is now totally hitting it with a lobster ’09, one of the first students admitted as part of Wesleyan’s new Seabeast Scholars program.
Point: I Need More Points.