Wesleyan students flocked to Foss Hill to bask in the glow of Native-American-American-Indian-Original-Descent-Redskin-Oops-Not-Redskin summer, frolicking and rollicking like epileptics watching anime. Students of all colors, creeds, religions, genders, ages, number of limbs, shoe sizes, and Legends of the Hidden Temple team affiliation, reveled in the 64°F/18°C/291 K temperatures. Divers-o-tastic!
Vote for us. Here’s why: we’re less anti-Semitic than LaRouche, we’re less pro-Semitic than Lieberman, we’re less interested in making a difference than Lamont, we’re more interested in making a difference than Schlesinger, and we care about issues that matter to Connecticutians, like— oops, out of space!
Thomas Miles, a prominent software tycoon from Oregon, is making a late push for Senate in his native state. Running as a moderate Republican, Miles is garnering national attention for his strident support of stem-cell research, health-care reform proposals, and promises that he hasn’t had hot gay sex with anyone under 18.
My fellow citizens of McDonaldland, I beg of you to reconsider voting for Mayor McCheese. Granted, his legal first name is "Mayor," but that doesn’t mean he must be mayor. Just look at Cedric the Entertainer. I realize that most people continue to vote for McCheese because they confuse him with Ted Kennedy, but just look at all the terrible things McCheese has done.
It was a Wednesday night when I first saw Senator John Kerry (D-MA) take the stage, nervously standing in front of the classic brick wall backdrop, where he floundered about in front of a less-than-captivated audience. But such is the struggle of a new standup comic.
Two days ago, I was sentenced to death by hanging. For my last meal, I insisted on going to O’Rourke’s Diner in Middletown, CT, as that was where I once had a delicious omelet. In order to get to Middletown, I had to become a citizen of the United States, specifically Connecticut. Don’t ask how I got citizenship so quickly— I’ll just tell you. I sucked a dick.
Okay, kiddos, it’s that time again. Got your absentee ballots? Got your little cards? Informed about the candidates? So then let’s go vote! "But wait," you say, "I don’t know who I should vote for such that I may complete my role in this democratic system, and I want to give Dan Cerruti an incredible amount of free money and infinite cookies and my girlfriend."
We’re the 9th most expensive American university. The highest-paid job on campus entails making phone calls to alumni and parents (mostly in vain) for contributions. The lowest paid jobs on campus go to those who actually uphold the school in a manner that helps attract endowments.
Supporters of Democratic politician Lyndon LaRouche have been campaigning heavily in Connecticut, warning voters that a vote for incumbent senator Joseph Lieberman is essentially a vote for Hitler, but a giant robot Hitler that breathes lightning bolts from his mouth and poops on old folks’ homes and doesn’t like chalking.
Democratic nominee and former NFL quarterback Heath Shuler is challenging Charles Taylor, a Republican representative for North Carolina since 1991, for a spot in Washington this year. I recently asked the two candidates to discuss the issues.