Known throughout its long and prosperous history for breaking cultural and social boundaries with students from a wide array of backgrounds, Wesleyan University has set the bar once again. Surprisingly enough, it has been set by DKE for recently accepting our first student ever from the Pleistocene Era.
I think we were all hoping that Barack would be our next President but Michael Roth is pretty cool too. Every semester he teaches a course at the California College of Arts and Crafts. This means he cares about education. It also means that he is nerdier than Bennet. But if "She’s All That" has taught me anything, it’s that anyone can be made cool. All it takes is a simple bet and being attractive.
Michael Roth’s election as Wesleyan’s 16th president has sparked incredible controversy across campus. While noted for his "broad intellectual curiosity", "great personal energy", and "tiger-like reflexes", Roth has captured the hearts and minds of students for his undeniable sexiness.
You think God is perfect? Well he isn’t. It took a lot of trial and error before he got the Ten Plagues just right. Plaguing humanity is not an exact science, just look at Tim Allen’s career. Here are some of the plagues that didn’t quite make it into The Bible and are better off forgotten: Gold- Love of money is said to be the root of all evil, but the Egyptians somehow didn’t mind this plague too much.
It has come to the Ampersand’s attention that many serious international calamities are left without solution. These horrific situations, including the Canadian toupee shortage, and international under-appreciation of spam, must come to an end. We at the Ampersand have decided to take it into our own hands.
Mitt Romney’s Power Point mentioned some possible nicknames that will be used by his opponents, including the uninspired "Slick Mitt" and "Flip Flop Mitt." Here are some newly found nicknames that did not make the final slideshow.
Negatives and possible solutions, taken from Mitt Romney’s leaked campaign strategy memo.
Not to be outdone by any national political party (especially not the Republican Party), the WSA printed out an 86 page PowerPoint presentation concerning their goals for the future of Wesleyan University. Unfortunately, to the chagrin of the young liberals, their PowerPoint was also leaked to the public.
The following is a 77 page Ampersand outlining our strategy to be elected in 2008. Under no circumstance should these pages be leaked to a local college newspaper. We hope to make some bad puns while undertaking some extreme programs to set us apart from our opponents. The following will surely set our campaign ablaze.
1928: The film The Jazz Singer receives an Oscar at the first Academy Awards celebration for making movie history. It is the first film to use audio clips in scenes where the white jazz singer sang in black face. It won in the category of "Most Racist Thing Yet to Be Captured on Film."