Dear Argus,

Tesla needs help! The brand is under assault. The vehicles are under assault! What can we do?

Trump’s DOJ is appointing a task force to crack down on anti-Tesla activity. That’s great, but I have a suggestion for something more proactive. I suggest an excise tax of 25% on the purchase price of any car or truck that isn’t a Tesla. It seems like the least we can do for our national hero Elon Musk.

I realize there may be legal problems enacting a law like that. But enacting laws is out of date anyway; this should be another executive order. And it doesn’t have to spell out Tesla; I suggest the excise tax be levied “on the sale of vehicles whose brand name is not an anagram of STEAL.”

This executive order should be signed late at night—preferably tonight—before people rename their car companies Slate, Tales, E-last, or what-have-you.