Did you know professors can fall in love, too? This year, The Argus talked to professor who are together at the University to hear their stories of academia, romance, and everything in between. 

Merve Emre is the Shapiro-Silverberg University Professor of Creative Writing and Criticism and the Shapiro Writing Center Director. Christian Nakarado is an assistant professor of art. 

The Argus: How did you two meet?

Merve Emre: The first time we met was in 2010…

Christian Nakarado: The first time? You’re acknowledging it?

ME: When did we meet? I have a very bad memory.

CN: The first time we ever actually met was in 2010 because we were both dating people who were in the medical school at Yale. We were both graduate students at Yale in different programs, and we were the only two non-med students at this barbecue. 

ME: Do you know that Christian is 6’4” and I’m 5’4”? And he was dating this woman named Lydia, who was like seven feet tall. And I remember going and standing next to them and feeling like somebody’s baby because they were both so tall. It’s really my first memory of Christian—standing next to him and his gigantic girlfriend and looking, looking, looking up at them.

CN: My story is that Merve continued to make eyes at me for two years after that event.

ME: I never thought about him again. I still don’t really think about him.

CN: But the official answer to your question is that we met in the first meeting kind of way the day after I finished architecture school. 

ME: I picked him up at a bar in New Haven.

CN: Yeah, she was making eyes at me as usual.

ME: No, I’d never seen this man before. I walked up to him at the bar and I said, “Do we know each other?”

CN: No, I said, “Hi Merve.” Because we knew each other. And then you said, “Do I know you? Have we made out?”

ME: It’s a great line.

A: I’m going to use that.

ME: This is what your generation loses when they’re on the Hinge and the Tinder!

A: Okay, and then what? Did you guys start dating after that?

ME: So Christian had just gotten out of this seven-year relationship. I was always in a relationship for like six months at a time. We started seeing each other and Christian was like, “I just want this to be a really slow burn.” And I was like, “Alright, I don’t do that, so I’m leaving.” And then Christian was like, “No, don’t leave. We can definitely be in a relationship.” So that’s how I got him! I was living in New Haven and he was living in New York, and I’d go visit him. He’d say something non-committal that would piss me off and I’d pack all my bags and I’d be like, “I’m leaving!” Then I’d go to the train station and wait for him to come running after me, which was the pattern of our relationship for the first, like, year and a half until we got engaged.

CN: Yeah, that’s basically right.

A: Okay—so you met when you were attending this one institution, in different departments, and now you teach in the same place. I’m curious how you guys have found working and commuting at the same place.

ME: Well, I don’t have a driver’s license. So I really needed to be married to someone who works at the same place that I work if that place is not within walking distance. I’m also a really great backseat driver, so I’m a joy because I contribute nothing while criticizing everything.

CN: You could say that applies to all realms of your life.

ME: Yeah! That’s what being a critic is: Contribute nothing while criticizing everything. Thank you, I love how you support me in my career and life. 

CN: When we were first engaged, I remember Merve’s mom talking to me at some point and being like, with Gulus and Melis [Merve’s younger sisters], I understand why their boyfriends are with them. It’s very straightforward. But she was like, with Merve, you must really really love her to be able to commit to this with her. And I said in response, and I still believe this: The thing I love about being around Merve every day and being in a partnership with her is that it’s never boring. It’s exciting and wonderful, and it can also be uncomfortable and miserable sometimes, but it’s never boring. And I think of that as being something I am still very grateful for.

ME: That’s great. I also think I’m perfect.

A: Do you ever collaborate professionally or artistically on any projects?

ME: We technically co-wrote an essay some years ago, by which I mean, I wrote the essay and let Christian put his name on it, and after that, no, we never collaborated. We do read each other’s work and give feedback on that. We talk about ideas all the time. We talk about ideas with each other, but then we also talk about ideas as a family with our kids as well. And so I actually feel like the whole life that we lead is this really big, fun, exciting, artistic collaboration. It just feels like it’s part of how we live, not something that we do in a discrete way.

CN: I would say that Merve and I produce work in very different ways. One of the reasons our early collaboration was not the success it could have been was that Merve wanted it done quickly, and I produced work more slowly and less efficiently—

ME: Right, so I’m responsible and conscientious, and you are self-indulgent and daydreaming.

CN: Yeah, yeah. So there’s that. And in answer to your earlier question about the difficulties and joys of working at the same place, I’m actually very grateful that we work in completely different disciplines, because even though we are constantly collaborating in terms of talking about ideas, there are a lot of architects who are married to or otherwise romantically involved with, the people who they practice architecture with. It’s a profession that is non-stop, and I think adding your romantic partnership to that is a recipe for disaster. So even though we work at the same place, we think about very different things. And I’m grateful for that separation.

ME: I wish I were his boss. Be honest, are we the best couple you’ve talked to?

C: I would like to point out that that is kind of a replication of something that Merve did when our first son was born, because it was shortly after Jay-Z and Beyonce had donated a bunch of money to have the entire labor and delivery floor at Lenox Hill renovated so that their first child could be born there, or maybe second child. And I remember Merve in labor being like, “Am I doing better than Beyoncé?”

ME: And everyone told me I was! I was doing better than Beyoncé.

A: Now that you mentioned children, I’m curious how children change a married relationship.

ME: 100%. In a very banal way, I think back to the kind of time that we once had to do things together, to plan things for each other, and now, you know, 95% of that goes into the children, right? I mean, that’s exciting, and it’s fun. I always say this, but I really, really, like us as a family. I think we are the best family. We are better than Beyoncé and Jay-Z and Blue Ivy and whatever other kids there are. Is there another kid?

CN: I don’t know. We’re too old to know.

A: Well, just right before this, I interviewed Jay-Z and Beyoncé, and they were actually asking about you two. Do students realize that you’re married? Is that something you hear much?

ME: I don’t know what you all know. I barely know if you’ve done the reading. 

A: Just one final question I’ve been asking everyone at the end: What is something you admire about the other?

ME: I love that Christian has a driver’s license, and I feel like I’ve been really consistent about that since the beginning of this conversation. No, I love how patient he is. This is the flip side of what we were joking about, doing work in a slower way. I find that slowness translates, in our family dynamics, to him being very patient with me and with the kids, particularly in a situation where someone is getting agitated or having trouble expressing an emotion. Christian has all the patience in the world to wait for somebody to articulate what they are feeling and to calm them down. I’m very impatient, and I want answers quickly, and I want things done efficiently. That is not always the best way to be in a situation where people need to feel like they have time. Now you say something nice.

CN: Merve is maybe the person I’ve been around in my life that is the most alive. She’s the most alive person I’ve ever encountered. 

ME: Christian mostly hangs out with zombies. 

CN: I mean, I guess this is another way of saying the thing that I said to her mom, that I already told you the story about, but it’s life-affirming to be really passionate and energized and to be around someone who is like that, even sometimes when things are volatile or going too fast for my tastes, or even sometimes difficult or unpleasant. I think there’s some kind of affirmation of life in that, which I really love. Maybe it’s very clear to you already that in our best moments as a couple, we really balance each other. And clearly, if I’m going too slowly. I could really use someone to tell me to speed up, and I’m grateful for her being that presence in my life and in our family.

A: Thank you. I really appreciate it.

ME: Alright, we’ve got to go to a parent-teacher conference!

This interview has been edited for length and clarity. 

Arya Dansinghani can be reached at adansinghani@wesleyan.edu.

Nancy Li can be reached at nli02@wesleyan.edu.

Thomas Lyons can be reached at tlyons@wesleyan.edu.

Lyah Muktavaram can be reached at lmuktavaram@wesleyan.edu.

Janhavi Munde can be reached at jmunde@wesleyan.edu.