The end has arrived, dear readers.

For the last three years, I’ve attempted to capture your hearts and minds with my riveting commentary on Super Bowl ads. As I tuned into Tubi this past Sunday and settled down for commercialism’s biggest night, I couldn’t help but reflect on what’s come before.

I remember my first ad-ranking article like it was yesterday—the glee of giving my first (and only) perfect score to Uber Eats’ “Can I Eats It?” spot, the bitterness in my ranking of Coinbase’s bouncing QR code—it’s all coming back to me in waves of corporate nostalgia.

In my pieces on the commercials of Super Bowl LVII the following year and Super Bowl LVIII after that, I noted my disappointment at the advertisements’ trajectory. Perhaps the Chiefs winning made the ads more blah. Avid readers will remember that I was thoroughly unimpressed with both sets of ads.

This year, I can say that I was completely, utterly, and unabashedly pleased with the set of advertisements aired during the National Football League’s championship game. I am practically giddy, readers, which I hope you can feel in my words. This was also a more political bunch of commercials, which is reflected in some of my reviews.

But before I get into my rankings, I must reintroduce my system for those who are new here. (For my returners, consider this a refresher.) Every Super Bowl ad is ranked in seven categories, each out of five points:

1. Concept: Is it a sound idea?

2. Elevation: Does it belong at the Super Bowl or is it more in the unskippable-YouTube-ad territory?

3. Originality: Regardless of whether it’s good or bad, is it original?

4. Celebrity: Were there—and/or should there have been—celebrities in it?

5. Influence: Did it leave me feeling something, or did I even remember that it happened?

6. Timing: In both the game and the American consciousness, is this well-timed?

7. Entertainment: Quite frankly, was I bored or not?

A perfect score is 35, and an awful score is 0. This year, because I’m a disgruntled journalist and world-renowned hater, I’m adding a new all-or-nothing category:

8. Tech Bro: If it’s an ad for artificial intelligence or one of Elon Musk’s companies, I subtract five points. If you have a problem with that, tough.

As is tradition in these reviews, I won’t be ranking certain ads, simply because I don’t feel like it. These include movie or TV show trailers, any ads for TV networks or streaming services, or—this year—ads for the Indy 500. I really don’t care about the Indy 500, y’all. I’m sorry.

Without further ado, let’s get into the ads.

Return of the DunKings

Starting off controversially, we have the sequel to last year’s DunKings ad for Dunkin’: DunKings 2, featuring Ben and Casey Affleck, Jeremy Strong, Druski, and Wesleyan’s own Bill Belichick ’75. This ad was based on the Afflecks, still sporting their ridiculous outfits, trying to rebuild the DunKings team after losing Tom Brady and Matt Damon, and set to face off against the Barista Buds in the Java Jam Battle of the Coffee Brand Bands. I couldn’t help but feel like the ad was making a statement in the culture wars through a veiled criticism of soy half-caff cappuccinos, with Belichick reacting to one drink by saying, “Sounds like what’s in my garbage disposal.” Maybe I’m being too much of a sensitive latte lefty, but I really feel like the tone cannot be ignored.

I gave it a 2 for concept (a DunKings sequel was far from necessary, and I didn’t love the premise), 4 for elevation (it was very Super Bowl level, I’ll give them that), 2 for originality (it’s a sequel, so it gets points off for that, and barista-bashing is far from new, but Jeremy Strong emerged from a sludge of coffee beans, which was fun), 5 for celebrity (it really was star-packed), 1 for influence (made me mad), 3 for timing (in the game, fine; in the American consciousness, I suppose it’s timely but not the direction we ought to be going), and 3 for entertainment (it was interesting; I’ll give them that), bringing its total to 20. Not shabby, but not awesome.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Sticking with the culture war vibes, one of the night’s weaker ads was the Harrison Ford Jeep ad. It pissed me off, readers. The whole ad was predicated on patriotism, national pride, and the uniquely American freedom to choose…electric or gas cars. Yeah. Ford narrates, “You don’t have to be friends with someone to wave at ’em,” which just came across as tone-deaf. Choosing electric or gas cars is far from choosing whether you think trans people deserve rights or not. Even the Harrison Ford of it all couldn’t save it from my vicious eye rolls.

I gave it a 0 for concept (feel free to disagree if you want, but the last message America needs right now is “Let’s all get along”), 2 for elevation (it looked nice, at least, but car commercials seldom feel Super Bowl-esque to me), 2 for originality (the whole kumbaya act has been done before, though making it about cars was a choice), 3 for celebrity (Harrison Ford made a Jeep/Ford pun about his last name, but his usually fiery persona felt toned down for this pacifist ad), 0 for influence (made me angry and start to hate Jeep), 0 for timing (this would’ve been more in with the cultural zeitgeist years ago; now it’s trite), and 1 for entertainment (there were moving shapes and colors…that’s it), bringing it to a rather low 9.

O, Canada!

Sorry to stick with the political theme. I promise it’ll be over soon. (It won’t.) One of my favorite ads of the night was the Province of Ontario’s spot during halftime. Within the context of President Trump and his cronies repeatedly bashing Canada and threatening to make it the 51st state, this spot emphasized Ontario’s connections with the United States, the length of our international friendship, and how crazy it would be to sever those ties. Good on you, Canada.

I gave it a 4 for concept (the ad itself was a little bit plain, but to think of this ad right now was genius), 3 for elevation (I could have seen it on a less elevated program than the Super Bowl), 5 for originality (an ad for a province that’s not tourism-based is something I’ve never seen before), 1 for celebrity (there are so many celebrities from Ontario, they could’ve trotted someone out), 5 for influence (made me very happy), 5 for timing (the not-so-subtle passive-aggressive message was perfectly timed for when the most Americans were watching—except Trump, who was in the stadium itself), and 4 for entertainment (I’m shocked it was as entertaining as it was given how it was mostly shots of bridges and farms), bringing it to a respectable total of 27.

My Sweet Irish Valentine

Guys, I didn’t know if you heard, but Barry Keoghan and I are actually each other’s Valentines. We’re trying to keep it secret, don’t tell anybody. That’s why it was so lovely for me to see him and his baby-blue eyes in Squarespace’s “A Tale As Old As Website” commercial. In the ad, he’s riding a mule through the roads of Ireland, throwing laptops with Squarespace websites into the farms, homes, and pubs of the townsfolk. It was quite funny, and any time I get to look at him is fine by me.

I gave Squarespace a 4 for concept (bringing the idea of a town crier/paperboy into the digital age was quite funny), 4 for elevation (it was almost perfect here, there was just something missing), 5 for originality (it was unexpected and fun, took me a second to figure out what was happening), 4 for celebrity (maybe one more cameo would’ve put it over the top, but it was really very good without), 5 for influence (had me giggling and kicking my feet), 5 for timing (after Keoghan’s breakup with superstar Sabrina Carpenter, it’s nice to see he’s still doing things), and 5 for entertainment (I’m but a simple man), bringing it to a very good 32 out of 35.

Honorable (and Dishonorable) Mentions

I have so much to say and so little space, so we’re gonna speed run some other commercials.

For the honorable: There was a Baja Blast commercial featuring Seal (the musician) as a seal (or possibly a sea lion?), which was awesome (26/35). There was a Hexclad pan ad with an awesome cameo from Pete Davidson (29/35). Willem DaFoe and Catherine O’Hara dominated the pickleball court in an ad for Michelob Ultra (25/35). Flying facial hair returned in a hilarious Pringles ad (23/35), and Booking.com brought us the Muppets on vacation—and I do love the Muppets (27/35).

Neutral mention to Angel Soft’s bathroom break spot. It was nice of them. 18/35.

In the dishonorable camp: The evangelical Christian organization He Gets Us returned with another ad of featuring stereotypically non-woke people hug stereotypically woke people (9/35), and Snoop Dogg led the charge on an anti-hate set of ads which felt very meh (12/35). Homes.com had a two-part ad dedicated to the idea that you can’t legally say you have the best ad, which would be fine except you 100% can say that, and it pissed me off (14/35). e.l.f. had a super annoying cosmetics ad that made me glad when it was over (11/35). 

Then, the Tech Bro gauntlet. T-Mobile lost 5 points for partnering with Starlink (4/35), ChatGPT had a way-too-long ad with dots, images, and a confusing connection to the product (3/35), and Agentforce tried to poke fun at AI but just left me confused because it was itself promoting AI (8/35). Also, RayBans and Meta’s AI glasses partnership ad featuring Kris Jenner, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt was awful, one of the worst of the evening (7/35).

Giving Geminis a Bad Name

My worst-rated ad this year was Google’s Gemini ad, “Dream Job.” It was an extension of the scary AI-ification of everyday tasks. It’s about this one guy asking Google’s Gemini for help preparing for a job interview, interspersed with images of him being a good father. Aw, sweet, etc. Except, once again, why are we turning to AI for everything? Have we so lost the ability to organically ideate that we have to use AI to tell us how devoted of a father we are (which apparently translates to being a good worker)?

I gave it a 0 for concept (hate AI, hate the job search, hate the exploitation of fatherhood), 2 for elevation (it was barely above YouTube ad level), 1 for originality (using AI to think of things for you is not original, maybe the whole fatherhood thing is), 1 for celebrity (no famous faces? Nobody? Really?), 0 for influence (angered me, enraged me even, how dare you), 1 for timing (I’m getting fed up with scoring this one), and a 1 for entertainment (the kid was cute), giving it a dismal 6 before the Tech Bro subtraction and a miserable 1 after.

The Almost-There Club

This year, we had an unprecedented five-way tie for the almost-perfect score of 34. In the interest of applauding these ads and concision, I will now quickly run through these five and what kept them one point short of victory. In no particular order, here they are:

RITZ’s “Salty Club” commercial, set in the titular RITZ Salty Club in Salt Flats, Utah, featured Aubrey Plaza, Michael Shannon, and Bad Bunny. Now I am admittedly biased, as Plaza is one of my favorite actresses, and the ad was sort of based on her whole thing: being salty. The only category this fantastic ad lost out on was celebrity, as there could’ve been more cameos from infamously grumpy A- and B-listers.

Then we have Instacart’s “We’re Here” spot, which saw mascots old and new converging on a city to deliver groceries to the front door of a happy couple. The amount of intellectual property they had to obtain—from Mountain Dew’s Puppy-Monkey-Baby and the Pillsbury Doughboy to Old Spice’s Man on a Horse and the Kool-Aid guy—was ridiculous. The only category where it lost out for me was concept. They could’ve done more with it; it had one beat throughout.

Our next runner-up is the “When Sally Met Hellmann’s” commercial. Featuring stars of the timeless romantic comedy “When Harry Met Sally” Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, this ad recreates the film’s iconic scene where Sally fakes an orgasm in Katz’s Deli, only this time it’s a real reaction to eating a sandwich with Hellmann’s mayonnaise on it and featured a Sydney Sweeney cameo. Unfortunately, I have to dock a point for originality. A recreation of an iconic scene can’t really reach a perfect 5 on originality.

Next, we have Little Caesar’s “Whoa!” ad with Eugene Levy. I laughed, horrified, as Levy took a bite of Little Caesar’s crazy puffs and was so blown away that his notoriously bushy eyebrows flew away. They landed on a baby’s face, flew over New Jersey, started a caterpillar cult, and visited his unfazed daughter Sarah Levy before returning to him. The sheer stupidity made it an amazing Super Bowl commercial. The only area where it was lacking was celebrity; there was ample opportunity for cameos.

Our last member of the almost-there club was the “Your Attention, Please” breast cancer awareness ad with Wanda Sykes. For the first 40 seconds or so of this ad, it’s just various close-up shots of breasts and breast-like objects as well as clips of men looking down at women’s breasts in “Hey, my eyes are up here” fashion. Then the ad hard-cuts to a screen that says, “So much attention. Yet so ignored.” Sykes then appears on-screen and tells us to pay attention to breasts when it matters: fighting breast cancer. My only markdown was timing. It aired toward the end of the second quarter, so it missed the chance to capture the highly watched halftime ad slot. A few minutes later, this would’ve gotten a perfect score.

But speaking of perfect scores…

Uber Eats is Uber Good at Super Bowl Ads

I promise I’m not sponsored by Uber Eats. The company just knows how to make a Super Bowl ad. This year’s starred Matthew McConaughey unpacking a grand conspiracy by the NFL to sell food subconsciously to fans. No, not by forbidding you to bring your own stuff and then making you buy their expensive concessions, but by naming things. Why is it called Super Bowl Sunday? Because it’s not called an ice cream Saturdae. Why have the Bills as a team? To sell more Buffalo wings, obviously. This ad was funny, campy, and featured cameos from Greta Gerwig, Kevin Bacon, Sean Evans, Martha Stewart, and Charli xcx. It was fantastic, everyone.

I gave it a perfect score. I feel no need to explain. Perhaps other companies should start copying Uber Eats since they’re the only firm that’s made a perfect score in my system—and they’ve made two. And while I don’t endorse them (unless they want to pay me lots of money), I will give credit where credit is due. This is how you Super Bowl, everyone.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye.

I’m sad to go, everyone. These past few years I’ve relished the chance to rank the pinnacle of commercialism, even if it feels like I’m playing the fiddle while Rome burns. I hope you all had as much fun reading these obnoxious articles as I’ve had writing them. I also have so much more to share, so please ask my further opinions.

Thank you for reading my stupid little articles. Keep finding the joy in the ridiculousness of Super Bowl ads. And, as always, strive to stay high-concept, elevated, original, famous, influential, timely, and entertaining. I give you all a perfect 35 out of 35. Happy Valentine’s Day, dear readers.

Sam Hilton can be reached at shilton@wesleyan.edu.