Welcome back! While we would not consider winter break a particularly sexy time, as many of us tend to spend every waking moment with their relatives, we hope everyone had five weeks full of rekindling high school flames or long-distance campus relationships. As faithful sex columnists, we spent the break trying not to use sex-related terms in the many rounds of Bananagrams our respective families forced upon us. With all the time we had to ponder the wonderful world of sex, we discovered that we both had one burning question: What exactly is good sex? And how do we have it?

Sexual interactions are difficult to quantify in a uniform way, so studies typically look at penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI) exclusively and measure its quality through frequency and sometimes orgasm count (typically with a focus on male ejaculation). This suggests that sex is still measured around the assumption that its ultimate goal is reproduction. However, if we asked a typical Wesleyan student why they have sex, we can all assume with a good level of certainty that they are not going to say that it’s to make a baby. So if we aren’t having sex solely as a means of reproduction, why is it being studied that way?

We are sexual scientist amateurs, but since the whole premise of this column is our unsolicited advice, here is ours on how to have good sex. First, we believe in eliminating the idea that there is a right amount of sex. Frequency alone is an outdated metric if the duration of the sexual encounters is not also considered. Let’s say you’re in a straight, monogamous relationship and you’re having PVI three times a day, but each encounter only lasts nine minutes from beginning of foreplay to the end. Since it takes a person with a vagina in this type of relationship on average about 14 minutes to reach orgasm—and a person with a penis five to seven minutes to reach ejaculation—statistically, it is likely that one person would be unsatisfied in this sexual relationship. But because you are having sex so frequently, researchers would assume your relationship is very fulfilling. However, satisfaction of an encounter is very specific to the people who are having the sex. We believe that taking into account both frequency and duration of sexual interactions would give researchers a clearer picture of if the sex is satisfying for all participants.

Second, good sex does not start and end when the physical sex does. There are many other forms of intimacy that can lead to sexual and relationship satisfaction, such as behaviors promoting emotional connection (like gentle kissing and saying “I love you”), romance (date nights and getaways), and mood setting (dimming the lights and playing music in background). Outside of PVI intercourse, think about exploring a wide variety of sexual acts (including use of sex toys), and communicate frequently with your partner about your sexual relationship.

This is all to say that there is no right amount or kind of sex to have. Scientists may try to assign an exact number of sexual encounters to achieve satisfaction or try to tell you how long it should take for you to reach orgasm, but the reality is that you and your partner(s) should be establishing open lines of communication so your sex lives can change with you. Wesleyan is a high-pressure environment, and this can have serious effects on your sex lives. Do not let other people dictate the amount or type of sex you are having. Take time to think about which relationships (sexual or not) are most fulfilling and prioritize them.

Putting off homework by putting out,

Dill and Doe