We hope you are all recovering from your Halloweekend with grace and humility. We would love to tell you our three meticulously planned, sexy costumes, but we aren’t going to, because our editors won’t let us reveal our identities. It is definitely not because we picked super popular costumes that everyone else did and are embarrassed. 

Nevertheless, we persisted. Resulting from an effort to get our money’s worth at bar night, these columnists are writing to you from a weekly state that affects us all: the Sunday Scaries. If you are lucky enough to be unfamiliar, the Sunday Scaries are when you sit and overthink every single thing you said to that one person you kind of know at a gathering the past weekend. Maybe you over explained your niche costume, or perhaps the Mezzo bouncer did not actually want to hear about your philosophy midterm. With the anxiety that comes with socializing and performing to the point of exhaustion, we both thought of how these nerves can transfer over into our sex lives.

Not all of us are natural-born performers. While imagining the audience in their underwear may help some with public speaking, when you are literally naked, this one-size-fits-all trick to fight against stage fright does not do the trick. When being naked goes from silly to sexy, sometimes anxiety about what might happen next will sneak up on you. Sexual performance anxiety (SPA) is a subset of social anxiety that negatively affects the way you think about your sexual experiences and can impact your sexual pleasure, performance, or interest. It may manifest in you feeling like you can’t pleasure your partner or doubting whether it is even possible for you to have successful sex. This anxiety can cause hormones to be released that will narrow blood vessels and make it harder for men to get an erection. Like most sexual functioning issues, women are diagnosed much less often, but as most of you with vulvae know, blood flow is integral to sex and releasing fluids. In other words, your juices stop flowing.

There are many ways to alleviate performance anxiety, and they all share the general goal of relaxing your mind so you can focus on enjoying sexual intimacy with your partner. Basically, create your own personal spa to alleviate the symptoms of SPA. However, none of our recommended improvements are guaranteed solutions. Sexual interactions inherently involve societal pressures to perform, specifically to reach orgasm, and unpacking all of that is a little more than you want to do with the Troye Sivan who got you started on Fountain this past weekend.

But, as we are known to do, here is our two cents on how to alleviate your SPA:

1. Focus on your senses first. Take things slowly, acknowledge what feels good. 
2. Don’t worry about getting an erection or having an orgasm. Pleasure is the ultimate goal: whatever that looks like for you at the moment.
3. Communicate with your partner. We know we say this every time, but it remains true. Communicative sex is the best sex.
4. Put on a movie or get some sexy jams going! It’s okay to need something else playing in the background to alleviate some of the pressures of performance.
5. Get intimate in ways other than traditional sex. This could include exercising or cooking a good meal together. There are so many ways to make your body feel good with your partner, so explore them together! You can also try mutual masturbation; this is a great way to have a release with your partner without getting overwhelmed by performing. 

While we wish we were sexually omnipotent, we sadly are not. There is simply no way for us to know everything about your sex life, despite our nosy nature. If your sexual experiences remain challenging, consider talking to a therapist because you could have other things blocking your sexual performance (extreme SPA, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and more). Working with a therapist can help you find ways to remain in control during sex and not let SPA get in the way. 

SPA is something anyone can struggle with, and it’s completely normal. Sex is hard work! Put your pleasure first and put the Halloween season behind you—choose treat over trick!

We’re cummin’ to get you!

Dill and Doe