Over the past few years, learning from and refining my sexual experiences has helped me to have an incredibly rich and fulfilling sex life with my current partner. It’s important to note that I am speaking from my experience as a woman in relationships with men and women. Here are some tips and tricks which have enriched my sex life. So, let’s talk about sex, baby! 

Talk About Your Sex

I really try to normalize conversations about sex in my own life outside the bedroom. This can look like telling my sexual partner what I enjoy, what makes me orgasm easily, how my body functions, and what I’m excited to try with them. Building my sex life on the basis of communication and emotional intimacy has greatly improved my comfort in the bedroom and the sex that I’m having. Additionally, it can be helpful to learn what your partner is sensitive to, the aftercare they require, and what they’re turned on by. For me, emotional intimacy has helped me have better sex, as you can learn how to best pleasure your partner in the bedroom. If you’re comfortable enough with your partner, you may even want to share sex stories of things that you’ve enjoyed in the past. I personally like hearing sex stories, because it helps me to visualize what they enjoy. However, I understand that there can be different levels of comfort in this matter. You can begin this type of conversation by asking a specific question like “What does your orgasm feel like?” This can build sex on a basis of exploration and fun.

G-Spot Orgasms

Those who have a vagina usually orgasm from their clitoris. However, the G-spot orgasm is typically deeper and lasts longer than a clitoral one. If you are a vagina owner and have had trouble with G-spot stimulation or are interested in tuning into that area of pleasure more, something that has helped me is taking a break from stimulating my clitoris. This can help you tune into your G-spot and locate this different area for pleasure. Another tip that I have learned is that reverse positions, like doggy style or cowgirl, are in my experience typically not the best for stimulating this area because the penis does not hit the upper vaginal wall.

Oral Pleasure

When you think of oral as a form of worship, it is a very enjoyable experience. You can explore this by asking your partner clear, direction-oriented questions while giving them oral: “Should I go harder or softer? Is this a good pressure for you?” (You can figure out how to ask this during the act). Oral is so dependent on the person and what they’re into. Also, do not overlook the power of licking and stimulating other parts of the body. For example, licking and sucking on fingers can be a turn-on. Give it a try, and experiment with it when you’re having sex with your partner. 

Be Guided by Your Pleasure

In the past, I faked orgasms and moans in the bedroom because I felt pressure to make the experience seem rewarding rather than actually being rewarding. Something helpful for me has been deconstructing the need for performance. Now I can say that I am entirely guided by my pleasure. Something that helped me become more acclimated to my pleasure was spending more time naked and masturbating more. In the bedroom, maybe experiment with being on top or using your hips or hands to set a pace you like with your partner. If you’re feeling comfortable, you can even talk about what you’re enjoying and liking while having sex. Personally, I turn myself on when I vocalize what I like while having sex. 

Dirty Talk

Being comfortable with dirty talk takes things to the next level. I know it can be intimidating, but it can be something as casual as “I can’t stop thinking about the time we had sex on the couch, I would really love to do that again.” I love dirty talk, as it can elevate the experience of pleasure. You can explore telling your partner how things feel or how they taste. Personally, dirty talk paints a picture in my head, and gets me both excited while having sex and about having sex later.

Identifying Whether You Have a Spontaneous or Responsive Desire

There are two different types of desire: spontaneous and responsive. You can think of spontaneous desire as being more spontaneously ready for sex. If you have spontaneous desire, sex is something that calms you down or clears your energy and helps you de-stress. On the flip side, those who have more responsive desire need a clearer context for sex, and typically prefer having a clear, calm mind beforehand. If you are intimate with someone who has a more responsive desire, it might be nice to ask them: “Do you feel like getting turned on right now?” They can often be more available to receive your touch after accomplishing all the things they need to do. At the end of the day, it’s important to read the room and make sure it is a good moment for them. Consent is, of course, always paramount for the comfort, safety, and pleasure of everyone involved. 

Aftercare

In the past, I did not want to have sex if I knew the person was going to leave right after. Part of my aftercare routine during that time was requiring intimacy, like a cuddle or shower together, after we finished. If this sounds like you, it can be good to communicate with your partner and agree to not have sex unless you have enough time for aftercare. I am currently at a point in my life where I do not need a long aftercare routine. However, it is important to check in with your needs and the needs of your partner. 

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to great sex. Exploring and refining my sexual experiences is an ongoing journey that can lead to immense growth, connection, and fulfillment. By prioritizing open communication, embracing our bodies and desires, and continuously seeking to learn, we can cultivate deeply satisfying and enriching sexual relationships. Here’s to better sex and a lifetime of pleasure!

XOXO,

Dill and Doe