While attending a wedding celebration, I found myself scribbling a cliché sentiment in the guestbook: “You two are truly meant to be.” As trite as it may sound, I meant every word. Their love story, with its mysterious encounter at a nightclub that the now-bride was DJ-ing, felt like the epitome of destiny.
In Western culture, few notions are as sought-after as that of the soulmate: an elusive partner who promises to fulfill our deepest emotional needs and desires. From fairy tales of princesses finding their prince charming to the enduring success of rom-com movies, romantic love is heralded as a paramount source of meaning.
The question of whether soulmates exist or not has plagued infinite hopeless romantics over the years. Carrie Bradshaw of “Sex and the City” put it best when she asked “Soulmates: reality or torture device?” The concept of a soulmate makes one wonder whether there really is that perfect person out there. If you do believe in soulmates, all you have to do is find them. But alternatively, if your past relationship didn’t work out, does that mean they weren’t your soulmate?
The idea of finding a perfect, destined partner who fulfills our deepest emotional needs is undeniably captivating. However, while the pursuit of a soulmate often stems from genuine desire for love and connection, there are compelling reasons to adopt a more grounded approach to romance.
The concept of each of us having a “soulmate,” a “one true love,” or even a “perfect partner,” can be a flawed way of understanding relationships. According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology by Spike W.S. Lee, the idea of soulmates can contribute to relationship dissatisfaction, especially when conflicts arise. This study builds on previous research that categorizes individuals’ beliefs about romantic relationships into two camps: destiny and growth. Those who believe in destiny tend to view relationships as predetermined, with an emphasis on finding a soulmate, while those who believe in growth see relationships as requiring effort and alteration over time. While valuing the concept of soulmates isn’t inherently wrong, the study suggests that viewing love as a journey may make for greater relationship satisfaction.
Rather than idealizing and glorifying the soulmate as ultimate fulfillment, we should prioritize building meaningful connections that have an opportunity for growth. In doing so, we can open ourselves up to love and cultivate a more holistic understanding of companionship.
Best of luck, lovers,
Dill & Doe