c/o Olivia Berger

Have you ever had an intense crush? If so, then you may recall the feelings of getting swept up in infatuation and desire, causing you to go through the world with blinders on. Many of my past relationships arose from a period of heavy crushing. 

For me, this infatuation manifested itself as an intense craving for affection as well as a flood of thoughts about my crush. It was not something I had any control over; it was driving the ship and I was merely the observer. Nevertheless, the feeling was intoxicating. One minute I was excited by their advances and subtle signals of attraction, and the next I was left questioning if they liked me. 

As I’ve navigated my romantic relationships throughout my life, I always associated this infatuation as a sign of a worthy relationship endeavor. If I did not have an intense crush on someone, then it signaled that I wasn’t attracted to them.

This intense crush would later carry over into my relationships, where the intoxicating instability left me hooked on partners. Some partners I wasn’t even compatible with, but I loved the chaotic emotional intensity which kept me coming back. This made it difficult to understand what I truly wanted. Upon reflection, all I was craving was stability. 

As I started to make sense of this pattern, I actively attempted to open myself up to a quieter kind of attraction—an attraction that does not shout at me to get my drug fix, but one that welcomes me with open arms and safety. I asked myself, “What would it mean to not fall in love with the feeling of excitement and instability, but instead of comfort? Or to have attraction be about who they are and the way they treat me?” This mindset is one I have recently been playing with as I consider my future romantic relationships. I hope this is helpful for you, too. 

We love you, XOXO,

Dill & Doe