c/o Olivia Berger

Today, I’ve got a bit of unconventional dating advice for you all. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the host kept using the expression “Never judge a book by its cover.” I’m certainly no stranger to this quote; it’s been shoved down my throat since kindergarten. While I understand the sentiment behind this saying, I also have several complaints about how it’s (over)used, and I think it’s sending us in the wrong direction when it comes to dating.

For starters, as a concept, I think it is entirely misleading. The entire point of a cover is to understand what the book is generally about and to help you decide if you want to read it. With so many books to choose from, the initial pull towards a certain cover is helpful in narrowing down what you want to prioritize reading. In a dating context, our first impression when seeing or meeting someone is helpful for these same reasons. It’s important for assessing our gut feeling during a first impression and for using our past experiences to inform a potential future partnership. For example, if I see someone who gives strong fuckboy energy (maybe they dress or talk like fuckboys that I’ve known in the past), I’m going to use this surface-level observation to inform how I interact with them. I’ve read books like that before, so I can pull from those experiences to inform how/if I want to read this one. I might still read the book, but I won’t be surprised when all hell breaks loose halfway through, because I have an idea of what I’m getting myself into. 

A cover is just a glimpse into the book. We can’t only read the covers and feel like we know everything that happens in the plot. But I think that ignoring our first impressions of people is like putting blinders on and purposefully putting ourselves at a disadvantage. What’s the point of learning all the hard lessons in past situationships and relationships if we’re not going to use them to inform our future ones? 

Now, I want to clarify that I’m not recommending that you judge people solely on their outward appearance or an initial interaction. But I argue that the advice to never judge a book by its cover is misleading for dating, as it can be important to use this initial judgment and intuition as a guide when navigating a new relationship or friendship, while of course being open to learning about the person beyond a surface level. 

Xoxo, 

Dill & Doe