c/o Olivia Berger
If you’re anything like Dill and Doe, you have probably taken a love languages quiz on the internet or maybe even read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. (If not, though, that’s okay! Chapman is infamously homophobic, so take his words critically.) If you are unfamiliar, the five love languages are as follows: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gift-giving.
Love languages are a categorization of how we feel and accept love. The number-one way I feel loved is through quality time, whereas I do not feel loved through receiving gifts. Therefore, if Dill were to only give me gifts and not any quality time, I wouldn’t feel loved or appreciated in our friendship, even though gift-giving was her way of showing me love! I encourage you to look into your love languages to discover how you receive love because it can be a helpful insight into your needs.
Today, we will use the love languages to learn how to listen to and meet our desires.
Love Language I: Quality Time
Quality time is not just spending time with someone. It is about being intentional and present in your togetherness. This means putting away all distractions to focus on the person and enjoying their company. If quality time is your principal love language, ask yourself: what would it mean to give yourself undivided attention and enjoy your own company? My favorite ways to give myself love through quality time are journaling, watching a movie, or taking myself on dates. Some other ways to love yourself through quality time are by cooking yourself a meal, reading a book, going for a walk, attending a workshop, exercising, etc. Quality time is distinguished from mindless alone time through the intention of enjoying your own company and getting to know yourself better.
Love Language II: Acts of Service
In a partnership, acts of service are activities that make life easier or more enjoyable for the other person. At its core, an act of service is about going out of your way to meaningfully help and support the other person by easing some of their responsibilities and burdens, typically without being asked. The ways you could self-fulfill this need is by doing chores (dishes, trash, laundry, grocery shopping) before they become a stressor, running yourself a bath when you’ve had a long day, organizing your home, or ordering soup when you’re sick. The key to giving yourself acts of service is paying attention to your daily complaints and finding new ways to creatively anticipate your needs for the future.
Love Language III: Physical Touch
Physical touch is when someone feels love through forms of physical closeness and connection. Initiating physical contact with someone of this love language is key to having them feel loved and desired. Physical touch is not all about sex. Intimacy through physical touch comes in many forms: hugging, cuddling, hand-holding, kissing, massaging, etc. You can give yourself physical touch by doing yoga or stretching, self-pleasuring, self-massaging (or even scheduling a massage appointment), or cultivating a skincare routine.
Love Language IV: Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are spoken or written words that confirm, support, uplift, or positively empathize with another person. The key to words of affirmation is finding ways to positively reinforce yourself through compliments or praise about what you’ve accomplished or who you are. You can make this an active practice by writing or looking in the mirror and affirming yourself. An example of this could be writing/stating all the qualities you love about yourself or what you are proud to have accomplished that day. You can also choose to positively reinforce yourself at the moment; are you proud of yourself for giving that presentation in class? When you’ve finished, take a second to live in that feeling.
Love Language V: Gift-Giving
People with gift-giving as their love language feel most loved when their partner gives them a thoughtful, tangible item. Gift-giving is a communication of affection and care because it shows the person was thinking about you while you weren’t around. Gifts can thus serve as a physical representation of love. Giving yourself gifts does not mean a hefty shopping spree. It can be as simple as getting flowers for your kitchen table, baking yourself a treat, or writing yourself a letter to open in the future. Any physical gift that you can thoughtfully make or purchase that will bring you joy falls into this love language.
Hopefully, this exercise will give you some resources to meet your own needs. It must be noted that this is not a band-aid when you’re feeling lonely or craving a romantic relationship. It is a practice of building a foundation of self-love so that feelings of needing love from external sources diminish. The love that our friends, family, and partners provide us will become a bonus, on top of the love we give ourselves. We hope this practice is helpful to you <3 Until next time!
Xoxo,
Dill & Doe